Thursday, February 11, 2010

Things the rest of us learned in third grade.

Yesterday at work, the fire alarms went off, the entire building had to be evacuated, and no less than three fire trucks/vehicles showed up. Since we haven't had a false alarm in a while (unlike the frigid winter of aught-seven where we had no less than 5 in the span of a few weeks and I may or may not have lost a few toes due to exposure- the lawsuit is pending), we all assumed it was something real.

"Oh my god, is it a gas leak?"
"I heard that two rooms are on fire!"
"I smelled toxic smoke- maybe it's a terrorist attack!!"
"Everybody run for your lives!!!!!" (Okay, that last one might have been real, and it might have been me yelling. It was crowded, no one can say for sure. The investigation is ongoing.)

Yeah...not so much an emergency as it was an unfortunate near-miss for the Darwin Awards.
Turns out, one of the "brighter" students in the building put something wrapped in foil into one of the cafeteria microwaves, set it for hour, and just walked away, oblivious to the fact that both their dinner and the microwave in question had literally gone up in flames.

If that were my student?

Insta-FAIL, moron.

Since you obviously haven't learned some of life's basics, Einstein- here are a few pearls of wisdom for you, to help you through this crazy thing called life:
  • Leave knife-juggling to the professionals.
  • Don't play with stray, frothing dogs after eating chicken wings.
  • Use your hands to drive, not your toes.
  • Broken glass is NOT the same thing as hard candy.
  • Bacon fat is not an acceptable substitute for sunscreen.
  • Cops aren't amused when you try to tickle them.
  • The phrase "stick it in your ass" is not meant to be taken literally.
  • "The Clap" isn't as fun as it sounds, and has nothing to do with the performing arts.
  • Don't put salt in your eyes.
You're welcome.

Happy Thursday, my salty little idiot nuggets. Happy Thursday.



SkylersDad said...

I wish I would have had some of these tips earlier this week.

Stacey said...

Oh hell I better get my old school Jiffy Pop out of the microwave then.

And since "we're" talking about it. I LOVED I mean loved old school Jiffy Pop. Something about the stove and the shaking and the way my mom would shake her whole body when she made it for us. And then watching it get bigger and bigger until...

Aah those were the days

c. said...

ha ha ha

reminds me of my old neighbours who kept a microwave in their backyard. they said something about 'pushing it'

kirby said...

I see a future as a Denny's line cook for this genius.

Gwen said...

Still might have been a terrorist attack.

180|360 said...

HAHA! Don't forget to Stop, Drop and Roll.

John said...


EmBee said...

Posting every day for a week?
Ummm, Fail!
Wait, pay NO attention to the slack-ass blogger leaving this comment.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I tried to read this whole post but I was kid of busy putting salt in my eyes.

Suze said...

You could've save me a lot of trouble by telling me sooner about the cops and tickling. Thanks!