Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Like most good trips, this one begins (and ends) with barf.

I seem to be approaching this blog lately the same way I do the "mystery stain" on a rug in the basement that I'm pretty sure is cat puke: Ignore it long enough and maybe it will take care of itself.

Well...since it appears that none of you are going to step up to the plate and do either job for me (even though you totally still owe me for that time I bailed you out of that jail in Mexico for trying to sell tourists homemade Vicodin), here I am- on break from work until January 11 and ready to fill you in on everything ranging from recent purchases I've made (irregular socks and discounted underpants) to the condition of various body parts (boobs: fine, toes: kind of manky).

Here you go- everything I can think of from the last 18-19 days, categorized so you don't get confused and end up on that circus porn site again:

"Operation Fix this Fucking House" had come to a complete standstill for a few months there. Either we lost interest, or the thought of having to spend another entire day painting, laying tile, moving heavy shit or inhaling fumes from yet another misc. chemical needed for who knows what made us just sort of...freeze. I'm happy to say that the dining room is nearing completion (pictures soon) and the demolition of the world's ugliest bathroom should be happening within a few weeks. Just you wait- you have not seen an uglier bathroom- trust me.

Some of you already know this, but for the rest of you- we got another damn cat. Why oh why do those little fuckers have to be so cute, and why am I helpless against their purry, meowy, aloof and basically-disinterested-in-me-and-all-humans personalities????
Meet Millie, 4 pounds of bossy, sassy, scratchy, cuteness:

I really, really, really, really wanted another pussy to add to the flock, and I love her to death, but Casa de VonPartypants is officially full. No more mammals, furry or otherwise. Nope, baby Jeebus- find another hotel and take that stinky donkey with you- we're closed.
I've all but given up on fighting the pet hair tumbleweeds, and instead I'm making them into scarves and mittens to sell on Ebay- get your orders in early for next christmas!

Nothing new to report here- as far as I know I'm still gainfully employed, and I made it through another semester without having to kill any of my students and hide the body parts in various hot dishes (otherwise known as "casseroles" to some of you). I did realize on the last day that I think one of them had a wee crush on me, and really- who can blame him? I wonder if it was the ever-present ponytail or the shapeless white chef coat that finally sealed the deal? Hmmm...

Beyond the usual- Home, family stuff (my younger sister is preggers- finally an heir to carry on the VonPartypants name!), shopping and martinis with the girls (my friends, not my boobs, though technically they were present)- not too much big stuff going on.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I took a little trip to Chicago this past weekend to visit my bestest twatmonkey Gwen and some of her friends from college? Um, yeah- I did. It was fun. Maybe too much fun. I seriously don't have any pictures, though. I um...forgot my camera under a couch (don't ask), and any other pics were taken by other people and really are best left unshared with the unprepared masses.

Highlights from Chicago #1-10:

#1) flying both there and back without the aid of pharmeceuticals or cocktails (those would come into play later, with a vengeance).

#2) Picking up Gwennie at the train station and having her greet me with, "Hey cunt!"

#3) Staying at her friend's lovely condo in DT Chicago- he was a gracious host, to say the least. I really should send him a nice bottle of wine or a high-class hooker as thanks.

#4) Exchanging gifties- Gwen got me this book (which I can't wait to read), and flying monkeys, I got her (and myself) matching Paul Frank christmas monkey t-shirts and a bottle of my favorite Aveda perfume.

#5) Having cocktails & wine starting at 2 in the afternoon after having little to eat that day, also while more than a little nervous to meet so many new people.

#6) Making what I can only describe as an epic and unforgettable impression on her friends- let's leave it at that.

#7) Wearing an elf costume at one point (Gwen was Ms. Claus).

#8) Waking up in a strange city feeling like I had been in a street fight with uncoordinated but freakishly strong ninjas and as if I had chugged a tall, frosty glass of battery acid before bed.

#9) Laying around in jammies with Gwen & Co. for much of the day (after dry-humping her on the couch first), watching christmas movies and trying not to vomit anywhere inappropriate.

#10) Going home was a lowlight, but just getting to see my girl for a wee bit was worth the monumental embarrassment and what eventually turned out to be the worst hangover of my life that lasted three days.

So...that's what I've been up to. Anything new with you?

I have to go now and do some stuff. I guess there's some sort of holiday coming up or something. Crispmas? Stripsmas? Lispmuth?


Happy Gristlemas Eve-eve, my drunken little balls of vomity, hammy goodness. Happy Gristlemas.



Dr Zibbs said...

Sounds like you had a great time.

Gwen said...

I'm so sorry I haven't sent the pictures! Or posted. Life got really crazy as soon as I got home and now I'm scrambling to put that damn Holiday Open House bullshit together that I thought was such a great idea a month ago when there was room on my calendar. Enough about me.

Yes, the impression was epic and unforgettable, but in a very good way. Whether you like it or not, you're one of us now. Mwahahaha.

I'm hoping things will settle down next week when I'm on vacation. I'll get you those pictures then. And since they're so late you can post the one of me in the wig on Sunday morning. Sex-ee!

Merry Christmas, cunt! Have a great break.

Fran said...

"...bossy, sassy, scratchy, cuteness"

Sounds like you!!

Happy Merry Bright and all that.

beatgrl said...

It would be hard to top your pictures from the last visit. The toilet!!

l'ananas said...

happy christmas whiskey!

kirby said...

You weren't hungover, maybe you just had morning sickness. Are you sure you 're just not having a sympathetic pregnancy because little sis got knocked up? Let us know when you start lactating.

Renaissance Woman said...

My vote is with Kirby...sounds like morning sickness. Gwen and you "dry humping" maybe not so much and now there could be a child. Hmmmm...interesting! Merry Christmas!

Chris said...

Happy Bismuth!

sara said...

Seriously, take a pregnancy test.
Every person I know that's gotten pregnant in the last 5 years has had this same reaction to alcohol before they knew they were pregnant. (please overlook the un-pc-ness).
I mean: falling down stupid after 2 glasses of wine reaction. Hangovers well above and beyond what was deserved. General intolerance for a lifestyle that, face it, we have all come to embrace.
Just check to put my mind at ease.

McGone said...

Maybe you didn't get pictures, but I can tell you the Chicago Tribune had to run a special section on Monday to cover all the damage you and Gwen left in your wake. It was very impressive.

Suze said...

Merry Christmas to the crazy VonPartyPants Family.....hordes of cats included. Holla Bubs!

Cora said...

Don't worry, I'll be the newbie at that party next year. I'll be sure to do something cringe-worthy to steal your crown of shame then, 'kay?

Keith said...

Bubs looks like he is having quite the good time ...

Have a great holiday season!

WendyB said...

Does the cat puke take care of itself because the cat eats it? Why do they do that?

John said...

Cats, boobs, toes, dry humping...now THIS is what the world is supposed to look like. I love Christmas. : )

...except for that kid who has a crush on you. Someone might accidentally shoot his eye out.

CDP said...

Merry Christmas, Whiskeymarie!

gorillabuns said...

Merry Christmas! and I say, don't take a pregnancy test. you don't want to stop drinking, do you?

also, I abhor casseroles. especially, ones with tuna fish in them.

SkylersDad said...

In my defense, it was Oxycontin, not Vicodin. But enough about me, I am happy that you had an epic trip, and more than a little jealous I couldn't spoon with you and Gwennie!

Mommy Lisa said...

FABULOUS! Sounds highly inappropriate and I approve.

Boo Boo La La and I are sitting watching Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure as I catch up on blogs...she asked me if we can tell you she "Loves your little doggie."


WM said...

i'm laughing because even though we were in different towns I swear we had somewhat parallel trips. I drank more than one would think was humanly possible. Fell in Prive and am told by my husband security followed me around after that. I don't remember. I asked all sorts of inappropriate questions of people I didn't know well and lets see...well I don't think I should go on. In fact most of that was probably left unshared.

You and Gwen are "too much cute" together though. I can only imagine the things that aren't written about.

Oh and congrats to WhiskeyMarie Jr. I forsee just the tiniest bit of achy uterus in your future ;)Although that passes quickly when they have a blowout diaper or start screaming...

Whoa holy long comments. I guess what I'm trying to say is "you've been missed"


Scope said...

Great party, eh? It was good to meet you and face it, 2009's Christmas Party is now LEGEND!

Scope said...

Oh, and you you have been given the award that you earned over at my blog today: Rookie Of The Year! ;-)