I seem to be approaching this blog lately the same way I do the "mystery stain" on a rug in the basement that I'm pretty sure is cat puke: Ignore it long enough and maybe it will take care of itself.
Well...since it appears that none of you are going to step up to the plate and do either job for me (even though you totally still owe me for that time I bailed you out of that jail in Mexico for trying to sell tourists homemade Vicodin), here I am- on break from work until January 11 and ready to fill you in on everything ranging from recent purchases I've made (irregular socks and discounted underpants) to the condition of various body parts (boobs: fine, toes: kind of manky).
Here you go- everything I can think of from the last 18-19 days, categorized so you don't get confused and end up on that circus porn site again:
"Operation Fix this Fucking House" had come to a complete standstill for a few months there. Either we lost interest, or the thought of having to spend another entire day painting, laying tile, moving heavy shit or inhaling fumes from yet another misc. chemical needed for who knows what made us just sort of...freeze. I'm happy to say that the dining room is nearing completion (pictures soon) and the demolition of the world's ugliest bathroom should be happening within a few weeks. Just you wait- you have not seen an uglier bathroom- trust me.
Some of you already know this, but for the rest of you- we got another damn cat. Why oh why do those little fuckers have to be so cute, and why am I helpless against their purry, meowy, aloof and basically-disinterested-in-me-and-all-humans personalities????
Meet Millie, 4 pounds of bossy, sassy, scratchy, cuteness:
I really, really, really, really wanted another pussy to add to the flock, and I love her to death, but Casa de VonPartypants is officially full. No more mammals, furry or otherwise. Nope, baby Jeebus- find another hotel and take that stinky donkey with you- we're closed.
I've all but given up on fighting the pet hair tumbleweeds, and instead I'm making them into scarves and mittens to sell on Ebay- get your orders in early for next christmas!
Nothing new to report here- as far as I know I'm still gainfully employed, and I made it through another semester without having to kill any of my students and hide the body parts in various hot dishes (otherwise known as "casseroles" to some of you). I did realize on the last day that I think one of them had a wee crush on me, and really- who can blame him? I wonder if it was the ever-present ponytail or the shapeless white chef coat that finally sealed the deal? Hmmm...
Beyond the usual- Home, family stuff (my younger sister is preggers- finally an heir to carry on the VonPartypants name!), shopping and martinis with the girls (my friends, not my boobs, though technically they were present)- not too much big stuff going on.
Oh, did I forget to mention that I took a little trip to Chicago this past weekend to visit my bestest twatmonkey Gwen and some of her friends from college? Um, yeah- I did. It was fun. Maybe too much fun. I seriously don't have any pictures, though. I um...forgot my camera under a couch (don't ask), and any other pics were taken by other people and really are best left unshared with the unprepared masses.
Highlights from Chicago #1-10:
#1) flying both there and back without the aid of pharmeceuticals or cocktails (those would come into play later, with a vengeance).
#2) Picking up Gwennie at the train station and having her greet me with, "Hey cunt!"
#3) Staying at her friend's lovely condo in DT Chicago- he was a gracious host, to say the least. I really should send him a nice bottle of wine or a high-class hooker as thanks.
#4) Exchanging gifties- Gwen got me this book (which I can't wait to read), and flying monkeys, I got her (and myself) matching Paul Frank christmas monkey t-shirts and a bottle of my favorite Aveda perfume.
#5) Having cocktails & wine starting at 2 in the afternoon after having little to eat that day, also while more than a little nervous to meet so many new people.
#6) Making what I can only describe as an epic and unforgettable impression on her friends- let's leave it at that.
#7) Wearing an elf costume at one point (Gwen was Ms. Claus).
#8) Waking up in a strange city feeling like I had been in a street fight with uncoordinated but freakishly strong ninjas and as if I had chugged a tall, frosty glass of battery acid before bed.
#9) Laying around in jammies with Gwen & Co. for much of the day (after dry-humping her on the couch first), watching christmas movies and trying not to vomit anywhere inappropriate.
#10) Going home was a lowlight, but just getting to see my girl for a wee bit was worth the monumental embarrassment and what eventually turned out to be the worst hangover of my life that lasted three days.
So...that's what I've been up to. Anything new with you?
I have to go now and do some stuff. I guess there's some sort of holiday coming up or something. Crispmas? Stripsmas? Lispmuth?
Happy Gristlemas Eve-eve, my drunken little balls of vomity, hammy goodness. Happy Gristlemas.