Tuesday, December 29, 2009
What did you get for christmas? Me? Well, I got disowned.
I'm trying to figure out what it was exactly that I did that led to my Dad dumping me via voice mail yesterday (last time it was via e-mail, he seems to be regressing, technologically speaking. I expect our next communication to be through the careful exchange of cassette tapes or by pony express).
I even tried really, really, extra really hard to be nice to the frozen block of holy water that is my stepmother, I offered them each a beverage at least three times, I didn't swear (not even the G-rated ones like "fiddlesticks" and "drat!"), and I only drank wine when neither of them was looking, so as not to offend their delicate sensibilities.
I don't get it. I'm a catch, as far as daughters go- really! I am!
I got good grades through high school & they rarely caught me doing anything bad, which (in my world) pretty much cancels out the bad stuff they didn't catch me doing. I never got caught doing anything unsavory (or savory, for that matter) with boys, I technically "went" to college (so I didn't finish- picky, picky), and I married someone devoid of piercings and (at the time anyways) tattoos. I have an amazing work ethic and I haven't pushed old people over in the street for months.
My Dad, it turns out, is a bit of a conspiracy theorist. Something he said about "setting him up" to "embarrass" him tipped me off. Here I thought I was inviting him to come to a little christmas gathering with my in-laws, but it turns out I was crowning him prom king while dumping a bucket of pig's blood on his head, simply because my younger sister was present and chose there and then to tell him she's pregnant. I guess I forgot to give him an printed program and a guest list. I didn't realize that I even had time to intentionally sabotage family relationships and plan humiliating deceptions, what with me being nice and having a life and all. What a silly twat I am.
Honestly, I didn't even realize that I was smart enough to pull off something so elaborate and sinister. Maybe I should try to embezzle money or join the CIA if my skills at evil schemes are so finely-tuned. Does this mean that I get my own evil lair hidden deep in a mountain on a remote island? Because, that would be wicked sweet.
Here I thought it was just about eating ham and cookies with family, and maybe (just maybe) putting aside bullshit, if only for one day.
Silly, silly me.
So, I guess I'm up for adoption again. Here's my file from the Orphanage/shelter, if you're interested:
Name: Whiskeymarie VonPartypants
Spayed/Neutered?: No, but you may want to consider getting this done. Soon.
Breed: Domestic Caucasian, Mixed Breed
Temperament: Highly excitable, loves to snuggle, sleeps a lot, likes to play with sparkly things, fiercely loyal and likes to scratch herself. A lot.
Diet: Includes (but is not limited to): Chippy things, cheese and all cheese products, cheap wine, pork (especially in cured and/or sausage forms), salads, eggs, cookies, noodles, and the occasional chocolate-dipped marshmallow or salty nut as a treat. She sure loves her treats!
Special Considerations: Whiskey is coming along in her training, but still needs some work. She responds well to gentle commands, but gets angry and may punch you in the crotch if you get angry or try to punish her. She does, however, respond rather well to the occasional slap on the rump, whether it's as a punishment or as a reward. She's almost completely housetrained, just a few accidents here and there, usually in a corner or in a basket of laundry.
Whiskey is a healthy, active girl full of love and just looking for the right parent!
Adoption Fee: $25,000 or best offer. Trades will be considered.
Ugh. I'm glad the joyous season is nearly over. Much more "joy" and I may never be able to wipe the smile from my face. Oh, wait- that's just chocolate. Nevermind.
Happy Tuesday, my marginally potty-trained little castoffs. Happy Tuesday.
Yours in self pity,