Tuesday, December 29, 2009

What did you get for christmas? Me? Well, I got disowned.


I'm trying to figure out what it was exactly that I did that led to my Dad dumping me via voice mail yesterday (last time it was via e-mail, he seems to be regressing, technologically speaking. I expect our next communication to be through the careful exchange of cassette tapes or by pony express).
I even tried really, really, extra really hard to be nice to the frozen block of holy water that is my stepmother, I offered them each a beverage at least three times, I didn't swear (not even the G-rated ones like "fiddlesticks" and "drat!"), and I only drank wine when neither of them was looking, so as not to offend their delicate sensibilities.

I don't get it. I'm a catch, as far as daughters go- really! I am!
I got good grades through high school & they rarely caught me doing anything bad, which (in my world) pretty much cancels out the bad stuff they didn't catch me doing. I never got caught doing anything unsavory (or savory, for that matter) with boys, I technically "went" to college (so I didn't finish- picky, picky), and I married someone devoid of piercings and (at the time anyways) tattoos. I have an amazing work ethic and I haven't pushed old people over in the street for months.

My Dad, it turns out, is a bit of a conspiracy theorist. Something he said about "setting him up" to "embarrass" him tipped me off. Here I thought I was inviting him to come to a little christmas gathering with my in-laws, but it turns out I was crowning him prom king while dumping a bucket of pig's blood on his head, simply because my younger sister was present and chose there and then to tell him she's pregnant. I guess I forgot to give him an printed program and a guest list. I didn't realize that I even had time to intentionally sabotage family relationships and plan humiliating deceptions, what with me being nice and having a life and all. What a silly twat I am.

Honestly, I didn't even realize that I was smart enough to pull off something so elaborate and sinister. Maybe I should try to embezzle money or join the CIA if my skills at evil schemes are so finely-tuned. Does this mean that I get my own evil lair hidden deep in a mountain on a remote island? Because, that would be wicked sweet.

Here I thought it was just about eating ham and cookies with family, and maybe (just maybe) putting aside bullshit, if only for one day.

Silly, silly me.

So, I guess I'm up for adoption again. Here's my file from the Orphanage/shelter, if you're interested:

Name: Whiskeymarie VonPartypants
Age: 38

Spayed/Neutered?: No, but you may want to consider getting this done. Soon.
Breed: Domestic Caucasian, Mixed Breed

Temperament: Highly excitable, loves to snuggle, sleeps a lot, likes to play with sparkly things, fiercely loyal and likes to scratch herself. A lot.

Diet: Includes (but is not limited to): Chippy things, cheese and all cheese products, cheap wine, pork (especially in cured and/or sausage forms), salads, eggs, cookies, noodles, and the occasional chocolate-dipped marshmallow or salty nut as a treat. She sure loves her treats!

Special Considerations: Whiskey is coming along in her training, but still needs some work. She responds well to gentle commands, but gets angry and may punch you in the crotch if you get angry or try to punish her. She does, however, respond rather well to the occasional slap on the rump, whether it's as a punishment or as a reward. She's almost completely housetrained, just a few accidents here and there, usually in a corner or in a basket of laundry.
Whiskey is a healthy, active girl full of love and just looking for the right parent!

Adoption Fee: $25,000 or best offer. Trades will be considered.

***************************************************************

Ugh. I'm glad the joyous season is nearly over. Much more "joy" and I may never be able to wipe the smile from my face. Oh, wait- that's just chocolate. Nevermind.

Happy Tuesday, my marginally potty-trained little castoffs. Happy Tuesday.

Yours in self pity,
-WM

XO

62 comments:

Mongoliangirl said...

Oh! Being disowned! This is very, very exciting, WM. And please, not too much embarrassment about the fact that your dad is technologically digressing. My disownment was conducted via pen and paper. Next thing you know they'll be asking us to wear some kind of goddamn brand or something.

SkylersDad said...

Perhaps your dad will disown you via telegram stop Or if you wait long enough, smoke signals stop...

Seriously though, I feel very sorry for you, and for anybody else but me because my parents were so fricking cool. I wonder what happened along the way that caused me to turn out like I did?

And for what it's worth, if your nose is cold and wet, we have a deal on adoption.

boredmando said...

It seems being disowned is totally the trend of 2009. Though I am not the disownee, I am the disowner. And I didn't really verbally/writtenly/anythingly announce it or anything (I'm picturing Michael Scott here, "I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!"), and since we only speak once a year my father probably wont realize hes been disowned for a few more months(or as I like to call it, "Given up on")(That makes sense in my head)
. . .

Shit. I've used too many brackets and now I forget where I was going with this . . . (Oh well)

I'm just going to end this jumbled mess here.

*throws down smoke bomb and disappears*

Gwen said...

Your dad may be too insecure and juvenile to see your redeeming qualities but I sure don't. You can join me and the other Christmas Orphans at Gwen's Holiday Open House next year. I had waaaay too much food and booze this year; it's like we NEEDED you here.

Kate said...

Poop sandwiches on your dad.

i am playing outside said...

all kinds of BOO in your father's direction.

my dad and his extended family get some yay, as they welcomed darryl [unannounced] to the family christmas. it went very well, other than the one aunt who no one likes anyway. she left and there was much rejoicing.

Kate said...

(That's not a command. That's a wish for poop sandwiches to fall on your dad. Not for sandwiches in particular to be pooped upon your dad.)

Whiskeymarie said...

Mongoliangirl- we could wear a scarlet "O" or something like that, cause I think this time it's finally gonna stick (the disowning thingy)

Skydad- (runs back from the sink) My nose IS cold and wet! When can I move in?

Gwen- See? Even you love me unconditionally, which is saying a lot. I'm totally there next year with bells and sparkly underpants on.

Boredmando- Oh my god, I love that Michael Scott moment. "I DECLARE DISOWNMENT!!!!!"
(brackets)

K- Poop sandwiches indeed. Let's throw in a poop salad with poop dressing as well for doing this to me at christmas.

iapo- I would welcome you and Darryl with open arms for christmas. Then I would give you both aprons and put you to work cooking, but I'd give you cocktails so it's all good.

Jim Wilferling said...

Oh my goodness freaking gracious, WM, if If I had only known back then what a ball of squiggly wonderfulness you were, I would have only been 2/3 the jerk I was. Someday, we together must go see a man about a winery. or distillery. Hell, both.
If I had known how ultimately sucky your paternal unit was, I may have been A bit nicer, as well. I'll get in that adoption line, there's a bottle of double dog dare with your name on it and a warm place by the fire for you. y'ever need cool parents, feel free to borrow mine, they're two of my closest friends.

EmBee said...

25K is a little steep for my pocketbook but ah heck, you're worth it!

That, or I'll just join you there on the island of misfit toys as my mother thinks about as highly of me as your dad appears to regard you.

Fran said...

Really - what kind of fuckery is that? Is he daft? Mad?

You are one of a kind and clearly he is not at all able to accept the precious gift that is you.

I'm not adopting you but that is only because we have such a small house!

Anonymous said...

Me thinks we fall from the same kind of family tree. I will bet many twat-monkeys that ever since the step-monster walked into the picture, she has worked her evil through your daddy in many kinds of ways. My family is a total mess!!
Congrats for sister, and you will be a fantastic "Auntie Whiskey"....
~ Renata1967

Jocelyn said...

Your dad is a jerk!

YOU are AWESOME!

Whiskeymarie said...

Jim- Welcome! I don't remember you being a jerk at all- I think I thought you were shy or something. No worries- you're forgiven for whatever at this point. Now, let's go find that guy and talk about this winery, or whatever.

EmBee- I'm sure we can work out a deal- we'll call it the "misfit children discount."

Fran- Oh, he's pulled out much worse fuckery than this, trust me. The difference is that this time I'm uninterested in caring anymore. I'm done. D.U.N. Done.

Renata- It's like you know the beast/evil stepmother or something. Maybe that's why we like each other so much.
;)

kitty said...

Sorry about your dad, dear. That totally sucks. I don't have a spare 25k at the moment, but my mom probably does. Thing is you'd probably end up begging her to disown you. I'd give it about a day.

Stacey said...

I hate speaking ill of other people's parents and all but ugh your dad.
How does he not realize what he's missing out on. Be an adult dude!

Now then...25k. Done. You're adopted. Get the on a plane to Seattle. Now.

I miss your sassy ass.

Evil Genius said...

Wait, you got your sister pregnant? Am I missing something?

-Currently collecting a superior offer to outbid any producing the $25 g's just so you have to respond in an affirmative when I inquire as to "Who's your daddy?"

abbersnail said...

Oh, doll. Parents are often a disappointment, which sucks. I'm so sorry you're having to go through your own father's adolescence.

In other news: YAY FOR BEING AN AUNTIE!!!!!!! You'll totally be the funnest auntie on the block. And the continent, for that matter!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

oh my god, ucking incredible

Fran said...

"The difference is that this time I'm uninterested in caring anymore. I'm done. D.U.N. Done." They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

You are not insane, yay you!!! Move on and let go. Have a drink along the way!

Many love you - I am so glad you know that. Too bad that he is who is he is. So glad you are who you are.

Jon said...

So would the adoption be a "Sally Struthers, $0.88/day" kind of thing, or a "Woody Allen likes it when I call him Daddy" kind of thing? Because I'd probably be up for either....

kirby said...

A dad who gets upset that he's going to be a grandfather? What the hell's up with that? Unless he has a medical condition that causes him to shit his pants when he's excited, I can't see why he'd be embarrassed to find out such good news, especially in front of your in-laws. A normal dad would be all, "Booya! In your face, Myrna and Steve, I'm going to be a mutherfuckin' grandfather!" I mean, unless your sister is twelve years-old or something messed up like that.

Anonymous said...

WM, that sucks. I wish there was a magic wand I could wave and make it all better. Isn't it amazing how parents can make full-grown, independant, well-adjusted adults turn right back into that 14 year old? Don't let him do it! It's his loss for being irrational.

I'm joining the misfit island...only I got disowned TWICE!

First my older sister disowned me because my younger sister and her new girlfriend actually had the nerve to TOUCH each other (a hand on the shoulder - seriously) on a long car ride we had. Why? Because I was the one who warned them my older sister didn't want it (them being gay) "rubbed in her face".

Then at xmas my pop got all "fair and balanced" and I wouldn't go there. So keeping the peace caused the riff. sheesh.

hugs and kisses...and a fishbowl of cheap red wine. amysue in texas

l'ananas said...

That's quite an adoption fee. I'll give you 10 bucks and a brick of cheese in exchange for a warm bed and a roommate named JJ!

Siana said...

I'll adopt you and feed you all the whiskey and chocolate you want. You have to share a room with Monkey, though.

Keith said...

I would love to adopt you but since I don't play well with others, especially in family matters, my adoption of you would only make you part of my insane family, which would make me instantly start to dislike you. I would then begin to pay no attention to your blog any longer. I would start to plan your sudden disappearance and things like that, ad nauseum. So, with all of that said, you would be better off without becoming part of my loving lineage.

Stacie's Madness said...

it's strange...in my 35 years of life, my "father" has NEVER sent a christmas card (or birthday for that matter)...this year, I got a card WITH a gift certificate AND he called on christmas day.

I ignored the first call...then thought better when he called my house phone.

Mongoliangirl said...

A scarlet "O" is absolutely in order. I'm hoping mine will be a real brand for two reasons:
1) Any more tats and even I'm going to start thinking of myself as a biker or heroin dealer or something and,
2) I'd like to, at least once, actually have to bite a bullet.

Lollie said...

1) I am the original Bad Auntie, but for you I will happily pass on the title.

2) Your pa is a wingnut. Who could ever give you up? I currently have $400 in my change jar and I am throwing in the extra coin as fast as I can to meet the 25k price tag for the best girl around these United States.
3) kisses *muah!*

elle michelle said...

Normally at a time like this, people say *hugs*.

I say *wine and whiskey and beer and vodka and cheese*. Because who doesn't like those things? Also, I'm happy to adopt you. Duh.

Kate said...

Embezzlement? No. CIA? Probably not, but it would be fun to try. Not that you'd have them.

Fathers tend to get more senile, judgmental, and insane - for lack of a better term - the older they get. Don't get me wrong, I love me dear ol' dah, but it's a theory of mine.

Oh, yes. A theory. Heh heh heh!

P.S. I'll adopt you.

Anonymous said...

Daddy's children are the constant reminders to certain kinds of step-monster's of the daddy's former wife. Fill-in your own personal blanks....

~Renata1967

P.S. I will do a shot of whiskey on New Years Eve just for you. Okay, I would do one anyway - but I will do one with a monkey!! Wishing you a very blissful 2010!!

Chris said...

I will be happy to adopt you. My diet sounds just like yours. In fact, you might be the daughter I never knew I had (or wanted), which I guess would save me $2500. I will have to ask my wife, though. She is touchy about me bringing home strange women, and you are pretty strange.

WendyB said...

I have four stepchildren, two of which are around your age. The more the merrier. Join my family. You're already used to dysfunctionality, so that's a plus.

Gonezo said...

Maybe he'll try morse code next time. Sorry to hear about it.

Anonymous said...

Hi WM,

Families can be trying.

I would adopt you but you'd hate the heat from March through November. I'm even starting to complain and I never thought that would be possible!

Happy New Year!!

Patti

Landis said...

pardon the french, but : fuck him.

we choose our families during our lives. often they aren't blood relatives. the trick is sorting that out early enough to minimize impact and maximize happy.

Gloriana said...

CIA only if it's the Culinary Institute. Except you're too much of a pirate to really be a 'joiner' in any sense of the word.

(Avast and aye, me hearties! Bottoms up!)

I learned long ago that there's no obligation to see your family peoples, EVER, if all that they do is s-it on you and play a-hole emotional tricks.

You've got enough power and joy and plain ol' wacky moxie to make a clean break of these f-tards.

Now raise a toast with me: to independence! Here's lookin' at you, WM.

Padre Mickey said...

Watta ya gonna do? Almost anything can set off People Of A Certain Age. I get disowned regularly; two years ago my mother wouldn't talk to me for almost nine months over some stupid ass theological point, and I'm a freakin' EPISCOPAL PRIEST!!! Nothing makes them happy!

I've learned, however, never to treat my daughters like that. So something good can come from it.

As far as I am concerened (please see credentials listed above), you are a wonderful person and yer dad needs a whack.

Fran said...

If I did not already love Padre Mickey, I would start now. At this point there is no choice but to love him more.

He has the credentials and he speaks the truth.

*sigh* Out of the mouths of former rock band members who became clerics come the darndest things!

Mariposa said...

Oh...sorry to hear about how your Dad took all the efforts you did. I hope you it gets better soon!

Happy 2010! May the new year bring you joy, good health and success. And may you get that 25K soon! ;)

Alice in Wonderland said...

Hey, just called over from Jeannies to say that I hope you have a great New Year, and I find another orphan of the storm, waiting to be adopted! Well, join the club, kid!
I'm sure that if I ever meet you, we would be best buddies!
I'm thinking about putting myself up for adoption, but thinking and doing are totally different things. I tend to do things on the spur of the moment!
Gosh, it is so damn cold here!
Just thought that I'd add that incase someone from a warm place might take me in!

Mojito said...

You could just join my family. My dad's the best, and, in direct defiance of any and all Disney movies, my step-mom (and step-siblings) are pretty fantastic, too. And don't worry about feeling awkward coming into a new family. We take in stray adults all the time.

Idea #527 said...

I just wanted to say that sucks. The sad part is that years down the line, he'll regret that more than anything. I know my grandparents did when they did that to one of their children.

Shanster said...

Oh - I'm sorry. Family in general can just suck the life outta you. Hang in there ... I try to focus on the family I created vs. the one I was born into. It doesn't always help but at least the ones you chose will drink with you...

There ain't nuthin' wrong witchoo, you are fabulous - it's more his "issue" than anything to do with you.

John said...

"...frozen block of holy water.."

Priceless. : )

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I too suffer from self centered parents who think everything I do and say has something to do with them and are offended by every little thing - only I'm lucky enough that they are also so repressed that they never actually say anything about it to me directly, but will instead complain behind my back to other family members (aunts, uncles, cousins) about how horribly I treated them - so it's all good.

Anonymous said...

I don't get it - why was he mad?

3carnations said...

Some people always think they're being sabotaged. Mu husband had a coworker who once accused him of sabotaging him - Because hubby didn't REMIND the guy to do part of his job. Saboteur.

Hope you get adopted or un-disowned (reowned?) soon!

Christian Marie said...

You can tell by the majority of comments that you are not alone in your family issues. Truthfully, there are days when I want to disown my entire family- it would be so much easier. Instead I sit and wonder what I ever did to deserve this? Tell you what, you and I are close to the same age so let's declare this year, the "No More Bullshit Year". That's my resolution for the year.

gorillabuns said...

my father broke up with me in a card. a shitty mountain scene card.

so, i'll adopt ypu! i even have cheese, wine and vodka at all times. your only requirement is drink and eat!

sorry about the holidays, kiddo. families have a way of ruining them for everyone.

Kim said...

What is it about parents that is so fucked up?
I'm hoping he realizes this is his loss, not yours. I mean it is kind of yours too, but from what you've said in the past he doesn't sound like a very happy person and usually people like that are better when they're far far away or on the peripheral of your life. Even if it happens to be a parent. I am sad. You lost your mom, I lost my dad and we're both stuck with the consolation parent.

Albany Jane said...

Geeze, what's wrong with all these parents? I've got to agree with a lot of these good folx here - who gets upset about being a grandfather?

Hell, lemme see what I can do with my Pops. He really can't say no once you put a plate of food in front of him, and your food always looks pretty flippin sweet.

LegalMist said...

What a terrible thing for a dad to do, when you were just trying to brighten everyone's Christmas.

I think you should accept Gwen's offer and go hang with her next Christmas. It surely will be much more fun, and at least you will feel loved!

Here's hoping 2010 is a happier year. :)

the wino said...

Cheap wine? I CALL DIBS ON YOU.

I'm sorry this happened. If it's any consolation, in the days before email my mother once FedExed me a mean letter. We get along famously now.

* knock on wood *

domboy said...

I’d adopt you, you’re great, but I have no parenting skills, and I’d probably treat you much worse. I hope you’d still forgive me though. It’s me that sucks, not you.

Red said...

First, 56 COMMENTS?!! You are so fucking cool you don't really need parents.

Second, I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. A good friend of mine, who, like you, is a very cool chick, has a terrible time with her folks. It can't be her; it's gotta be them. I'm thinking the same in your case.

Third, if it turns out that you _do_ have an evil lair, PLEASE don''t tell EG. He might just take off looking for you and never come back.

Aunt Snow said...

You can come over to our place, but you may have to negotiate sleeping quarters with Jack the dog - he took over our son's bedroom while our son was gone at college.

This sounds weird, and the funny thing is, with relatives like this, when they "disown" you, you end up interacting with the more than when you did before you were in their bad graces.

Mommy Lisa said...

ugh. you cannot control your gene pool no matter how hard you try.

dguzman said...

Holy shit, 59 comments--even more than when Red made this super-salient point.

I'm pretty sure my parents would adopt you, but then you'd have me for a sister.

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