Sunday, September 13, 2009

You can tell Marge, the temp, that her services are no longer needed. Call security if she cries.

Oh.

My.

You're still here? Aren't you hungry by now? I mean, it's been 18 days since I left you here with little more than a roll of toilet paper, a half-eaten box of good n' plentys and a bottle of off-brand strawberry schnapps. Oh, I see- you've chewed off your own foot out of hunger- good thinking. Most people (amateurs) would start with a hand, but you're a clever one- always thinking, you are. You always wanted a wooden foot anyways, right?

I'm sorry to have wandered off like that. I took a left turn at the Piggly Wiggly and found myself hopelessly lost. Eighteen days later, here I am- sunburned, starving, barefoot and more familiar with the mating habits of raccoons than I really care to be.

How did I keep myself busy, you ask? Well, other than singing old Barry Manilow tunes and picking at debris under my toenails, I did the following:
  • Celebrated 13 years of marital marriage with the Mr. - We had a lovely and lavish dinner here, and as you probably guessed, much of our conversation over dinner was about which pet we'd eat first if we had to. Sorry Bubs, with those "chicken leg" hind legs and "frog leg" front legs, it was no contest. Such romantics, we are.
  • Put way more effort into my job than I'm used to. When did work become so much work?
  • Ignored the internets, my cell phone, e-mails, actual mail, smoke signals, sirens and messages in bottles. It was uncomfortable and itchy to do so, but satisfying nonetheless.
  • Cooked and cocktailed. A lot:
(looks like boobies. Tee-hee- boobies.)







  • Wrangled:


  • And, um...not much else. It was gloriously boring.
Sorry to leave y'all hanging like that. I'm not dead, I'm not leaving you, and I'm not infectious anymore.
Now, go make yourself useful and get me a sandwich- I'm hungry, dammit. Bring me a glass of wine and some clean underpants while you're at it. Now!

Happy September, my sunburned and flaky little frog legs. Happy September.

XO

26 comments:

WendyB said...

Don't ever leave me again.

John said...

I don't know what that meat dish thingie is, but I'm pretty sure I'd put it ALL away right about...now.

And bubsy is cute as a dog's ear. : )

Imnotbenny said...

And you are....?

SkylersDad said...

So you were off celebrating and working? Damn it anyway, I had Turkish prison in the pool...

Kate said...

Nice heirlooms! ;)

Doc said...

Damn! You do know how to take some time off don't you?

Doc

gorillabuns said...

i make it a point to ignore the internet, texts, phone calls, etc. all the time and don't feel on iota of guilt. it's freeing sometimes.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Happy belated anniversary! Or as I refer to it, 'the day a chick I didn't know I was in love with until a few years ago got married to some other dude.'

Some Guy said...

Nice to have you back! Might I add, those are magnificent boobie drinks.

i am playing outside said...

welcome back! although i didnt really notice that you were gone, since i was gone myself. which you didn't notice, since you were gone.

please pay more attention to me.

Stacey said...

So I see that we were both away from the internetz for a bit. My only question is why were we not away together.

Or something like that.

justme said...

welcome back! i was wondering where you were when i started imagining my trip to duluth this weekend. don't worry, it's not to stalk you, but i'm doing the inline thing there. i have visions of running into you somewhere...

l'ananas said...

Happy Anniversary! I read this at around 4am, I couldn't sleep so I picked up my phone and went straight to my 'ladies in the house' folder on google reader. Bleary-eyed, I read through. Then I saw not one, but two images of delicious homemade cocktails that I needed to have asap. Not just, ooh I have to ask Whiskey for the recipe and make these one day in the future...or even later on today. I wanted one right. now. Did I mention it was 4am?

Stefanie said...

Ooh! How was Meritage? I keep meaning to go there.

Also, I disappeared for nearly five weeks. You've gotta do it every now and then, I say. Nothing wrong with taking a little break.

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

THIS ALL SOUNDS FANTASTIC. Love the cosmos and happyanniversary!

Flenker said...

You know what? Fuck September.

I've missed you. I've missed a lot of things. There may be a Minneapolis trip in the works in October. Start cleaning your party pants now. You know what? You may just want to get a new pair. Things got a little too REAL last time, and this time just promises to be even more.

LegalMist said...

I wasn't hungry at all, actually, until I read your blog post. Now I'm drooling over your food porn photos and wishing I had something, anything, decent to eat in this house...


So, thanks a lot, Whiskeymarie, thanks a lot!!

And welcome back. We might have missed you just a little bit...

Keith said...

Recipe please for the concoction in the glasses with the blue straws. Looks tasty.

T.J. said...

Oh my God!!

After seeing all that food porn, I need a napkin...and not to wipe my mouth.

Kitty ala lamp? Possibly the coolest photo ever.

In other news, I'm a big slug and haven't sent your bowl yet, but soon, I promise.

It's been all crazy this week. You should stop by...might get a chuckle.

Siana said...

I'm back!

Kim said...

The mature, supportive part of me says I'm glad you took what was probably a much-needed break.
The selfish asshole says DON'T EVER LEAVE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!!!

Anonymous said...

Nice to know that you are still alive and kickin' - for a minute there I almost thought from the title of this post that you had been laid-off. Glad to know that isn't the case!!
~ Renata1967

Aunt Snow said...

You're back! And many an umbrella drink later, it appears.

Glad to see you back.

Mommy Lisa said...

Is it September??? I thought it was July?

Unindicted Co-Conspirator said...

First, I'd eat YOUR foot. Then, if I was still hungry, I'd make myself a drink and munch on your ears.

cjl said...

Welcome back from someone who lives left of the Piggly Wiggly. Sorry our raccoons are exhibitionists. You'll have to admit they are quite creative, and full of energy.