Dear whomever bothers to stop in anymore:
I know you're tired of hearing how annoyingly busy I am at work and why I've seemingly abandoned you, so hows about we pretend that I am off battling the Monkey Warrior Tribes of Eastern Estonia? I am Captain Whiskeymarie of Wussy Infantry #459. We carry q-tips as weapons, and use banana muffins, chocolate-covered bananas and banana pudding as bait. So far we haven't any prisoners, but we've all gained 5 pounds.
Wish us luck.
Yours in battle,