Monday, September 28, 2009

Five point seven five

5.75 days on Operation De-Pollutionation.

That's how long I made it. Not the 7 days of clean living and horrifyingly healthy eating that I had hoped for, but a record for a cheese and pork product lovin' gal like myself.

A summary:

Days 2-4 were HARD. It's funny how no sugar, no caffeine, hardly any carbs and no crystal meth will just suck all the energy right out of you. My legs felt like lead weights by the end of the day. I was spacey, distracted and a little cranky. Day four found me yelling at a student in the walk-in cooler, and I may have "accidentally" pushed your grandma down a flight of stairs for walking too slow.

On the hunger side of things, days 1 & 2 were pretty easy- I wasn't too hungry, my willpower was fine. By days 3 & 4, however, I found myself staring at food a little too long and a little vulture-like. I think it was making my students uncomfortable. As hard as it was though, I didn't cheat, which is saying a LOT.
Towards the end of day 4 and up until I had to eat birthday lasagna and cake at my in-laws on Saturday, it all got better. I wasn't hungry, I had a bunch of energy, I felt light as air, my allergies were almost nonexistent, and my jeans were getting surprisingly loose.
However, after the lasagna and cake, and after I said "Fuck it, I might as well have some wine" later on, and after pizza for dinner last night I can't say I feel the same. Nor does my digestive tract. It called me this morning and requested a new home. I denied the request, but promised to work on it's living conditions. I'm thinking of buying it a TV.

On to the poo:
Sadly, nothing explosive to report. The um...backup that I was experiencing remedied itself rather unremarkably, and I experienced none of the life-affirming, apparition-seeing miracle poos that I had expected.
The most interesting thing about my adventures in poo last week was that it was very, very...colorful. Think beet juice one day, that hellish broccoli soup another, and lots of carrots the next. I can't say that I've ever pooped in technicolor before. That was kind of fun.


I felt so good doing this (overall) that I'm doing it again this week, at least Monday-Friday. I'm realistic enough to know that I maybe can't eat like a vegan monk 24/7, but I'm pretty sure I can do it during the week at least one more time. I'm going to quit posting about it exclusively, but I promise if I am blessed with the "come towards the light" poo, I'll let you know.

In other news...

I finally got curtains in my kitchen:

(Insert cock joke here)

And Bubs finally learned how to use the computer.

As soon as his typing improves, he'll be blogging for me. Finally that lazy moocher can earn his keep. Expect lots of posts about his wiener and why the cats should be given to hobos.

That's all for now, my starving little broccoli turds- happy Monday!



Talk With No Thought said...

I might sneak into your house and steal your kitchen clock. Sorry in advance for anything else I might take while I'm there (see: Bubs, the computer using pup).

EmBee said...

Poor Granmda, she's really catching it this week... The other day I pushed her down the stairs for eating the last of the cookies.

LegalMist said...

Technicolor poo, eh?

And cocks in the kitchen?

How's that McD's ad go?... . Da da da da daaa... I'm lovin' it!

Can't wait to hear how next week goes!!

i am playing outside said...

best curtains ever made!

SkylersDad said...

Bubs is requesting a new picture of him as your background.

Dr. Monkey said...

Love the curtains but I love the thought of Bubs blogging even more.

Landis said...

i did that cleanse diet three years ago . . . dropped sixty five pounds over the following year because i COULDN"t eat the same way. it was a two week version of your cleanse. . .they are freaky in that they WORK.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations on making it as far as you did! I wouldn't have lasted half that long [as I sit here eating my Wendy's "Baconator Burger"].

~ Renata1967

P.S. Love the curtains. Are you trying to tell us that you're kinda "cocky" in the kitchen?!

TheHermanator said...

I once did the "Bananas & Orange Juice" purge and flush, and then ate pretty much Vegetarian for 4 months after. It was psychedelic ! The weakness and light-headedness sound real familiar from that ordeal.At first, my bod' was weak and my legs shaky, but in a few weeks I was climbing the several hundred steps from the parking lot at school up to the campus with ease, leaving the carnivores in my dust !
My Mom or big Sis had those cocky curtains in the 60's, (You're so Retro!).
Hope Lil' Bubs can post more frequently than his Mama Do ! LoL

Gwen said...

Love the curtains but hate this diet you tried. You know how you didn't have the extreme poo you expected? I think I did it for you. Like sympathy explosions or something. I've been home from work 1.5 days now.

The things I will do for my friends, I swear.

Renaissance Woman said...

I'm so proud of you for making it as long as you did. Hard to stick to such a diet. Inspired me for a minute...and now that minute has passed and I'm searching for something unhealthy to eat. Love the curtains...LOVE THEM!

Kate said...

MANG...if I EVER manage to break into WhiskeyMarie's house, I'm going after the rutabaga juice.

Kim said...

I've always been too chickenshit to try a cleanse so I admire you for doing it for however long. I really do want to try it though; I think it would do wonders for my colon AND my jeans fitting and really, what more can you ask for?

180|360 said...

MWAHAHAHAHA!!! I miss you and your perfectly crazy way of wording things, WM.