Sunday, September 20, 2009

The other Gwennie in my life, not even remotely as much fun as the first one.


I'm reading this month's Esquire, and one of their writers wrote an article about Gwenyth Paltrow's website, Goop. The author spent a few weeks living his life as if Gweneth were his tall, blonde, pale, almighty lord and savior, and that every word typed from her long, graceful fingers was enrobed in gold and should serve as a guide to life. Yes, it was tongue-in-cheek, but he actually did some the things she wrote about and seemed none the worse for wear because of it.

Do I love Gwenyth Paltrow? No. Do I loathe Gwenyth Paltrow? No. Other than her obviously superior genes that allow her to remain lithe and willowy into her 30's, unlike many of us that are less "lithe and willowy" than we are "squishy and teetering", I really have no reason to dislike her. In fact, I dare say we would probably like each other well enough, given ample wine.

The thing is, the one item he did that got my attention was a 7-day "cleanse" that Lady G recommended for post-overindulgent grossness. The author followed it, felt better, and though he went back to his wicked, gluttonous ways after the fact, he said he actually felt better than before he started. Much better.

How does this apply to me, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, underpants whisperer extrordinaire, you ask?

Well, lately my life seems like an endless whirl of overindulgent grossness. Multi-course dinners, bread, cheese, butter, wine, dessert, huge breakfasts on the weekends, wine, more cheese, more wine, red meat, pork, how about another glass of wine, and then...more. And more. And more...

You get it.

Am I going to stop enjoying such eye-rolling, tongue-lolling pleasures such as lamb bacon (holy hell- that was good), creme brulee', cheese to infinity, mid-rare beef and Doritos dipped in duck fat?

Hells to the no.

But...even I need a break. My insides feel as polluted as the gutter outside of a college bar on a Saturday night. I feel like I have gravy coursing through my veins. I worry that calculating my cholesterol would require an abacus, a Nobel-prize winning biologist, three calculators and fourteen days. I fear that my heart will give out the next time I squeal with glee after getting a double-yolker egg.

(waving white flag) I give.

Now what?

Well, for a week I'll say goodbye to things like last night's dinner:

(beet salad with chickpeas, feta and citrus vinaigrette. Balsamic-chile marinated chicken on scallion-fresh corn polenta with tomato-roast corn vinaigrette)

And say hello (!) to tomorrow's dinner:

(broccoli-spinach soup. That's it. Just soup.)

I'll also say goodbye to a bunch of cash, as groceries for just PART of this week's delights came to $111.00. Ugh.

Oddly enough, however, I'm kind of excited for this. Will I make it all week? Will I start hallucinating from hunger? Will I get arrested for attacking a small child for their sweaty handful of M&M's?

Only time will tell.

I guess I'm putting this all out there so that if I go down, I go down in a blaze of public humiliation. Y'all can witness the very moment (or close to it) when I lose my shit completely and scarf an entire box of Cheez-its and an entire family-size pizza in a record-breaking 32 seconds. You can be there to shame me, 'cause I know how much you like to witness apocalyptic failures. In advance, I're welcome.

I'll be posting every day throughout "The Cleanse", but be prepared- you're getting it all. The good, the bad, and probably the poo. Hi- have we met? I'm Whiskey and I love to overshare. I also love one-eyed cats and incontinent monkeys, but that's neither here nor there.

If this kills me, make sure Classic Gwen gets my celebrity underpants collection as well as my husband. I owe her that much for cheating on her.



Suze said...

I look forward to this. I'll be sitting by my computer eating Snickers in anticipation.

boredmando said...

Wow, good luck. Hopefully you beat my dieting record of three days.

WendyB said...

Is Cadbury part of this cleanse? No? Then I will not be joining you.

SkylersDad said...

I am looking forward to this more than you probably want to know. I want details, video if possible...

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So you're still alive and able to blog. I'm glad for that at least.

McGone said...

Hold up a second... You're taking advice from a woman who insists on calling the Piano Man "William Joel?" Well. Godspeed then.

i am playing outside said...

i'm not quite doing your magical super system here, but i HAVE been doing something better for myself!

now that i'm eating 5+ restaurant meals per week, i'm making sure that every single one of them involves or is entirely comprised of salad.

this is up from my 1 day of vegetables per month routine that i was previously following [mushrooms on a pizza counts as veggies for the month, right?]

good luck with your week!

oh just one more note on the eating lots of salad thing? i fucking LOVE IT.

Cora said...

I'm a Nanny. Poo stories are my specialty. Bring it on.

CDP said...

I mock the Goop newsletter, but I also love some of the recipes she's posted, especially the one for turkey sausage. I say if Gwyneth wants to be a lifestyle guru, she should just go ahead with her bad self. Live and let live.

Dr Zibbs said...

There was and always will be only one Gwen.

Gwen said...

I'll be riding my spin bike and eating pizza, waiting to see how your extreme dieting plays out.

(In all seriousness, please be careful. These things never turn out well and I like you too much to have you pass out from hunger, hit your head and hemorrhage to death while Bubs frantically cries for help that never comes.)

(Thanks, Zibbsy! I love you, too, man!)

Whiskeymarie said...

Suze- I knew I could count on your support!

Mando- it's 10:45am and I'm already hungry. Ugh.

WendyB- Sadly, no. But Kale is! Want some delicious kale?

SkyDad- I knew you'd appreciate this. Nothing gross to report yet, but I'm only a few hours in. I'll keep you posted.

Monkey- We'll see if that's still the case on day 4 or 5.

McGone- (hangs head in shame) I know, I know!

iapo- Good for you, salad boy! Lots of people get fat working at restaurants- way to take charge! I eat a salad every day and I never, ever get sick of them.

Cora- Give me a day or two, and I'm pretty sure that I'll have some good ones.

CDP- So far, my blueberry smoothie for breakfast was delicious, and the carrot-ginger dressing for my salad at lunch tasted awesome when I made it last night. Go figure.

Zibbs- Amen.

Gwen- I should be fine- you actually get to eat food on this cleanse. Not a LOT of food, but enough to get by. I think I'll live, but I'm still leaving you the Mr. in my will. He'd want it that way.

180|360 said...

I remember reading this on Goop and was intrigued too. I would like to try it. Can't wait to hear how it goes! Good luck.

EmBee said...

Not JUST poo... But I bet it'll be GREEN POO.... EEewwwwwwwww!

Eh, Good luck!

The Peach Tart said...

I had a friend that did it for a week and felt better. I'll be anxious to follow your progress. I need a cleanse.

Orwell's Ghost said...

Wait! There is such a thing as lamb bacon? They make bacon out of things besides pig? So I could wrap pig bacon in lamb bacon and... ostrich? Wallaby? Bison bacon?

My doctor told me two hours ago my cholesterol was good. Sounds like a challenge to me!

Imnotbenny said...

I am sick of filling myself up with crap, too, and just bought that clean eating book for men.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day where I buy everything I never buy on purpose, like vegetables and what not, but any health plan that comes with an entire grocery list for the week so I don't have to think is made of win.

Lollie said...

Poo and losing weight? You're still my girl.

I've lost four pounds due to constant diarrhea for the last three weeks...but then again, I'm pregnant and I just don't recommend that for you.

Added hilarity: my word verification is "splart"

kirby said...

Wait, you're still eating, right? It's not like you're drinking lemon water for six days, is it? Celebrities must have a different definition of fasting.

Anonymous said...

Two words: Coffee Enema. Just sayin'!! I've heard a few people swear by it. I guess it's best to do one these just as you are about to complete a fast/cleanse.
Personally, I've become quite attached to my own "inner sludge" and coronary plaque - Provides me with that extra layer of insulation for all those bitter Minnesota winters!!
~ Renata1967

Renaissance Woman said...

I'm so excited to read all about it...because there is no way I could make it on that soup! But I know that great stories lie ahead! Good luck!

Anonymous said...

You can totally do this. I have been vegetarian for 17 years and do the vegan thing as much as I can. You will feel great by the time you are done. I am proud of you!! Now excuse me. I need to finish my Boca burger and mixed veggies.

Michelle in Ohio

Mommy Lisa said...

I am a-skeered that you are going to do this to us. We LOVE your food porn...

and drunken posting which I will assume is out on the GP cleanse?