Thursday, March 12, 2009

The one where I get you to do my job for me because I'm on spring break and can't be bothered.


Ever have so many things spinning in your brain that you can't really focus on just one to post about? Is that just me, or is that the pharmaceuticals talking again?

Well...while I'm working on putting together coherent thoughts that use things like "real words" and "punctuation", now's your chance to be heard. While I decide if, what, and how to tell you about that one thing, now you can finally have your questions answered and your requests honored*. And in return, all I ask is that you quit bitching to customer service about my blog being "defective" and "not a good return on your investment" so I have a chance in hell of getting a raise this year, or at the very least I won't get flogged again.

Something you want me to post about but I got too busy chasing squirrels in the back yard and I never got around to it?

Have a deep, burning question to ask? And, just to head this one off at the pass- Yes, those pants look ridiculous on you and you really shouldn't wear leiderhosen to a formal wedding. Any other questions?

Any new questions in the food/cooking/wine arena? Maybe I can help you decide on what platter to serve your moose testicle canapes on (I'd go with the antique silver from your grandmum), or maybe I can help you decide what wine goes best with Doritos (Boone's Farm Strawberry Fields).

So while I'm getting acclimated to my 2.5 weeks off from work (WOO! PAID!) and re-acquainting myself with this com-pu-tor thingy, let me know if there is anything you (Yes- YOU!) want me to pull out of the gelatinous blob in my head that the rest of you may know as a "brain". Please start all comments with "Dear Whiskey..." because I like when you call me "dear".

Ask away!

*Whiskeymarie, Inc. reserves the right to ignore some questions and answer others simply with the word "bumblebee". Whiskeymarie, Inc. neither implies nor promises happiness and/or satisfaction with her responses. Whiskeymarie, Inc. is not responsible for injuries recieved as a result of following advice given. Whiskeymarie, Inc. is not suitable for ages 1-57 and will occasionally spark and/or catch fire randomly. Proceed with caution.

40 comments:

Giggle Pixie said...

*sobbing as she folds up her liederhosen and puts them back on the shelf...*

Dear Whiskey:

I'm thinking of trading in my hubby for a newer model. Do you know if there is a Craigslist category for this?

Oh well, I'm happy (read: jealous as shit) for you having 2.5 weeks off work! Whoo hoo!!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Dear Whiskey,

Could you pretty please find the time to do a post wherein you dress up in different costumes? I really love those posts and I'd like see one real soon.

Oh yeah, and I have four different kinds of cancer, heart disease, and scurvy, so could you do it pretty quick?

Thanks,
Little Jimmy Van Sickerson

punchlinewalking said...

Dear Whiskey,

First, please with the dress up post. Second, while I have faithfully read your blog for over a year, I'm not quite sure what it is exactly what your job is...is it because you don't want me to know so I don't come stalk you there? Third, you used to have a restaurant? Tell me funny stories about that, please!

Faithfully yours,
punchlinewalking

Poobomber said...

Dear Whiskey,

Why does 'it' whistle when I pee?

Thanks in advance,
Lord Poobomber III

Whiskeymarie said...

GP- while I believe Craig's list frowns on human trafficking, since this is a straight up trade I think you can go for it. Maybe throw in a lawn mower to sweeten the pot a bit.

Monkey- You and your costume fetish! Fine. Give me a few days to pick a theme. And no- "bikini spring break" is not an acceptable theme.

Punchline- I had a feeling someone would ask this. Yes, I have been very vague about my job, really for no reason. I'm a culinary arts instructor at a local college, so that's why I have the sweet schedule with so much time off. As per the costume post, see above. And I'll dig up some of the restaurant stories in the next day or so for you- I just have to make sure I pick ones that won't get me arrested or something.

Whiskeymarie said...

Poo- Hmm...let me think. Are you pushing really, really hard? I think if you are, the sheer force of the stream hitting the air would make some noise. That, or you have leprechauns living in your ding dong.

i am playing outside said...

Dear Whiskey,

In a box of assorted chocolates, which chocolate would most represent my personality, and why?

John said...

Dear Whiskey,

But you suck at "punctuation."

"...about my blog being "defective"

WHAAAA?! I just did my semi-finest work on this blog!! Alright, that's it. Going postal tomorrow in VP, Inc. HR dept.

I wanna know about that THING, sis. You know where I live.

Lisa said...

Dear Whiskey,

What is wrong with my cell phone? I keep getting the blue screen of death.

Thank you,

Lisa

gorillabuns said...

Dearest Whiskey,

I recall a time when you shared fabulous new alcoholic concoctions for the masses. Would you please share new recipes for the newly available Vodka recipient? Preferably ones without Red Bull or Monster in the them? Pretty please?

Signed,

your most devoted servant.

alissa said...

Dearest Darling Whiskey;

Why am I not allowed to show up with hickeys on my neck at work? it's just my man stating his claim. i think the other nurses are just jealous.

also, do you feel that wearing lime green crocs to work is considered "unprofessional"?

T.J. said...

Dear Whiskey,

What's black and yellow and makes honey?

Buesnos con queso,

T.

~Jessie~ said...

I'VE GOT A QUESTION GOING OUT TO MY FEW FOLLOWERS ON MY LATEST POST... CHECK IT OUT - http://realitydoesntbite.blogspot.com/
THANKS ALOT!
LUV TO READ YOUR RANTS!

Whiskeymarie said...

iapo- I think you would be my favorite, the salted caramel: gooey, rich and wonderful on the inside, a little salty and dark on the outside. Perfect, as far as I can see.

J-dog- you know I'm not going to discuss the "thing" here. I'll just see that you said the word "suck" and meant something dirty, the way I like you.

Lisa- Your cell is communicating the direct word of God (hey, even HE knows the value of technology) and he's saying that he's pissed off at you again. Have you been heckling the pussies for peace again?? God is watching, you know...

Gbuns- I love, love, love vodka mixed with vitamin water and a splash of liqueur like amaretto or apple pucker. So white trash, I am. But, I also like a nice martini made with vodka (2 parts), amaretto (don't use the cheap stuff, 1 part), lemonade (preferably fresh, but shitty canned will do- 1 part) and a splash of grand marnier (1-2 Tbsp.)

De-lish.

Otherwise, just mix your vodka with mountain dew like everyone else, fancypants.

alyssa- I checked your contract, and there really is no rule against hickeys. Well, unless you count the "no hickeys after age 18 rule" which is clearly stated in the "So You're an Adult- What the Fuck Now?" manual. But honestly, if you're OK with it, I say go forth young lady and fly your hickey flag high! Dammit! No one can tell you what the fuck to do with your man- no one! But on a side note- tell the man to leave his mark elsewhere, If you know what I mean (wink. nudge.)

But the crocs...lord almighty I cannot abide the crocs. Sorry. And I'm in food. No way. No how. I know they're comfortable, I just hate them with the firey heat of a thousand suns, that's all. Hugs?

T.J. I'd say bees, but I think this is a trick question. But what the hell- bees? Bzzz?
And- on a side note- I will be sending an e-mail and a package (I swear this time!) out shortly. You need to know how much the last mailing meant to me. Seriously. I love you, man.

Jhappy day- I know you're not spam cause I've checked you out before. I'll be checking your post tomorrow and getting back to you...

Whiskeymarie said...

OH- and Alyssa? The fact that you called me "dearest darling Whiskey' has forever solidified a place for you on my donor transplant list. If I'm brain dead and you need a liver or a kidney? All yours baby, all yours.

XO

Kim said...

Dear Whiskey,
Whatever happened to your cousin Tammy? She hasn't been around for quite some time and I worry about her sometimes. Living in a town that has a large White Trash:Normal Person ratio, I'm reminded of her often. Especially on my midnight trips to Walmart.
Have fun on Spring Break, but don't forget about us.
Love,
Kim

Gwen said...

Sunshine of My Life:

What have you done to my cats? They've been picketing by the front door for a week with tiny signs that read, "MN OR BUST!!"

Also, why do I get the shits at the most inopportune time?

Yours In McGone,
Gwennie

Perfectly Shelly said...

Dear Whiskey,

I am a pretty good cook, but my repretoire is lacking.

I'm sort of scared of foods I don't know well....like curry....

Can you give me any pointers? I have two teenage sons.....so keep that in mind.

Where do you work? ARe you a real chef? What can I do to 'randomly' and "accidently' STALK, I mean, meet you? Why is your husband camera shy?

Can you tell me how to deal with stains and also tell me how to behave well in public? I want to make new friends and not run them off because I've accosted them hoping to be friends.

I think that's all the questions I have for now.

I may be sad if all i get is Bumblebee from you :(

Forever your friend,
PS

Schmutzie said...

You are being featured on Five Star Friday!
http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/03/five-star-friday-edition-45.html

diatribes and dish said...

I was waiting for another call for questions!!!

Dear Whiskey Ms. Marie, what is the proper technique for making a lemon cream sauce? I made a couple weeks ago and it curdled. The horror!

Anonymous said...

Yes! Restaurant stories/rants. Are you jaded when you go out to eat now? What's your biggest pet peeve when you do?

When are you coming sailing?!

...and was the kitty wine sticky-sweet? If so, I'm sorry...

chow-chow. amysue

T.J. said...

Well, it was actually a total set up for you, 'cause you hadn't gotten to use your 'bumblebee' answer.

bereccah said...

Dear Fabulous Whiskey - I recognize the talent and humbly request to not see your costume show, but these lovely felines of which you speak dressed in their most bestest garb.

Not a stalker but an admirer,
Bereccah

Oh, I do have a question. Why does shopping make me need to poo?

Whiskeymarie said...

Kim- Tammie e-mailed me from jail last week and said she'd be getting out soon as long as she didn't cut any more bitches. I'm keeping an eye out for her, and on a side note- I'm getting a security system installed in my home.

Gwen- I can't help it if they love me more. Turns out, they hate math too. If they escape and try to come here, make sure they know to bring jammies and a toothbrush, cause they sure as hell can't use mine. As to the poo thing, if you would just stop eating your bowls of sadness, I think this malady would clear right up.

Shelly- I'll get back to you on the recipe thing. As to where I work, see my first comment here. I'm no "star" chef, just a cook teaching other people how to cook. You could stalk me, but you would be BORED, trust me. My job isn't really that glamorous.
My Mr. just hates getting his picture taken, like most men. Plus his eyes are always closed, like Earl on "MY name is Earl".
As to the stains- oxyclean. Make a paste, smear it on and let it sit for a day. If that doesn't work just buy new clothes- that's what I do.
And...if you think I am qualified to give advice on how to behave well, whoo lordy you are in for a treat! You're asking someone with moderate social retardation and a penchant for public drunkenness and nudity for this advice? Okay, I'm down with that. My advice is to take a muscle relaxer and have a glass of wine before socializing- you'll be so mellow that there is no way you could do anything appropriate. Well, except maybe drool or fall asleep in the ladies room, that is.
Bumblebee.

WendyB said...

What do I do about ding-dong leprechauns?

Perfectly Shelly said...

NOO!! Now there will be a competition as to who gets to stalk you and who is cuter and more fun......DAMN...I always lose those!!!!!!

I guess it would have helped had I READ the comments instead of playing cute in my own, huh?

see? Playing cute never gets me far.

EmBee said...

Dear WM,

You're a classy broad... Have you ever had braces, like on your teeth? Do you personally know any adults who have braces, like on their teeth?... By 'Adults' I mean middle aged folks. like 45... If you don't, it doesn't really matter because what I'd really like to know is, Do you have any advice on how a middle aged person with a mouth full of metal can look sexy, cool even, or just not appear to be a complete and total dork?

Eager for your reply.

Sincerely,
Hurty Mouth aka Brace Face

dguzman said...

Here's my wish list:
1. retro-Whiskey pics and stories of your misspent youth
2. food/drink recipes
3. costumes!
4. Whiskey on the town, in which you go into stores and take pix and comment on what you see.

Wide Lawns said...

Whiskey Marie - best way to roast a chicken? There are many schools of thought on this. Tied or untied? How can I get crackly skin and moist white meat at the same time? Are you in the camp that starts off with a high temp and then turns the oven down or do you keep a consistent oven temperature throughout?

Targa said...

Dear Whixey,

Do you believe that the creation of a nation with dedication to meditation would have any relation to sensation, or frustration, of that nation?

Also, did you ever attend a live taping of your local saturday morning children's show when you were a kid?

Sincerely,
Targa

oh, and you got a good recipe for curry chicken?

thx

EmBee said...

Who's this Targa dude, Dr. Seuss?
:-)

Stacey said...

Dearest Ivory to my Ebony,

How many times can I drunk text you before you change your number ?

Yours in sin,

Other WM

Stacey said...

Oh yeah and I think I want to know about the "thing" that John wants to know about too...

Anonymous said...

Dear Whiskey,

Love your new header.

My question:

Have you ever grown herbs from seeds in containers? If so, was it successful?

Thanks!

Patti

kirby said...

Dear Whiskey:

I tried your recipe for tripa alla romana. Delicious. Now I'm thinking marrow bones. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

Dear WhiskyM:

I was born on Thanksgiving Day and I have a turkey curse. Every year when we'd wrestle for the wishbone, I got the short end. Three years ago I tried to bake my very first turkey on T-Day. I used my "Joy of Cooking" (from 1980), stuck it inside a brown-n-bag, shut the oven door (the turkey, not the book). Good smells were coming out of there - but when I went to check - a HUGE, HUGE turkey flesh bubble was protruding from my turkey (softball size). I screamed and screamed ... it was like a Turkey Tumor. My teenage son had to carry the steaming cadaver out of the house and put it in the trash bin. This is the only thing that calmed me down - but I still had the dry heaves for at least an hour afterwords. Relatives pondered on my story and suggested that I left the giblet package inside and it exploded. Noooo, there wasn't anything inside there - I made my daughter stick her hand in there first before it went into the bag. Oh, I must explain, I didn't want to put stuffing IN there, up the turkeycoochie... too gross of a thought. And I didn't want those innards either. So it was a relief to find out the turkey was already "clean." OK, this is a totally true life story, please please tell me what you think was going on ... and is there a sane way for a cursed cook like me to try again and bake a turkey for T-Day? Sincerely, L. p.s. love the roulette -wheel-of-headline photos!

Evil Genius said...

Whiskey,

Where do babies come from? Why is the sky blue? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Is there really a Santa Claus? Why does the sun shine? Why does the wind blow? How was the universe created? Where does it end? How many stars are in the sky? How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man? Why does it always rain on me? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Why can't I have a pony? Do you think I should cut back on the coffee? Where does the white go when snow melts? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? What is your favorite color? What is the atomic mass of Plutonium? Who shot J.R? Why did the chicken cross the road? Dude, where's my car? Paper or plastic? What are you wearing? What if there were no rhetorical questions? How soon is now?

Please take your time and be thorough.

Thank you,
The Evil Genius

alissa said...

darling whiskey;

with regards to your organ donor list... i would really like a third arm...
it would be so useful while driving. i wouldn't need it except that i have a standard car and while the first hand is busy digging out the nose gold, the second hand is occupied with all that "shifting". If I had a third arm, I could hold finger the guy that cut me off at the same time!
please do put me on the list. thanks.

Tanya said...

Dear Whiskey,

I just love your posts. Anything, anything, anything. Keep em coming. Reading all this crap from other people's comments is a pale substitute.

May your pants always be found.

Adoringly,
Glori B.

Evil Genius said...

Still awaiting my answers.

-E.G.

p.s.
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?