Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Asked and answered in an only slightly confusing manner.

I haven't forgotten that I have unanswered questions and unfulfilled promises from this post, I'm just real slow sometimes. Today, due to some gentle prodding and probing (that's what SHE said!) from my beloved EG, I will answer some more of your burning questions. Well, at least the ones that don't include costumes, vaseline or bungee cords getting involved.

  • My darling Patti asks:

"Dear Whiskey,
Have you ever grown herbs from seeds in containers? If so, was it successful?"

Yes, indeed I have, my dear. I have attempted basil, thyme, sage, parsley, various kinds of mint and oregano. While everyone else in the state of MN seems to have basil bursting forth from their pots o' plenty by July, mine have managed to die somewhere around June 15th every stinking year. Thyme did fine, the sage only took off once I put it in the ground and now it comes back every year, Parsley hated being in a pot but loved being in the ground, mint was "meh", and the oregano was wimpy. I should note that our summers have been grossly hot (think sweaty ovaries hot) and as dry as Joan River's love canal. I'm not good at what professional gardeners call "regular watering", so I am usually the sad sack at the Farmer's Market buying herbs when the rest of the world gleefully cuts their own from a clay pot on their patio. I seem to have what is referred to as a "black thumb" which is in no way associated with "black plague".

"Dear Whiskey:
I tried your recipe for tripa alla romana. Delicious. Now I'm thinking marrow bones. Any suggestions?"

I think the best way to prepare marrow is very simple- roast it. Put the bones in a 425 degree oven for 20-30 minutes, until the bones are browned and the marrow is cooked through. Then, simply scoop it out with a butter knife and spread on toast points/crostini and sprinkle just a bit o' sea salt on it- perfect and simple.

  • Anonymous had a lengthy question involving cooking a turkey and a subsequent "turkey tumor" that erupted from the carcass of the bird while it was roasting.
To sum up:

"OK, this is a totally true life story, please please tell me what you think was going on ... and is there a sane way for a cursed cook like me to try again and bake a turkey for T-Day?"

Anon- the only way to overcome your fear of turkey tumors is to get back on that gobbler and ride baby, ride. While I seriously have NO IDEA what happened while you were cooking the bird, I do think it was a freak thing, much like when Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson tongue-kissed (shudders). If you don't cook another turkey, you will find yourself waking up in a cold sweat 5, maybe 10 years from now, wondering how come you're covered in gravy and cranberry sauce. I command thee to roast of thine fowl. I also command thee to quit buying turkeys from Cletus the slack-jawed yokel. seriously- we're not even sure those are really turkeys and not turkey vultures. Big difference. Good luck and godspeed, anon.

Please take your time and be thorough-

Where do babies come from? (When a man and a woman really, really love each other, they express their lov....oh, fuck it. We all know babies mysteriously appear 9 months after you drink too much white zinfandel with your hot pocket at lunch and let the guy who mows your lawn "show you around the shed" in the back yard. Duh.)

Why is the sky blue? (because God pees blue, and this is his little joke on the world)

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (this can best be expressed in scientific terms: Length of woodchucks teeth, multiplied by hours spent "chucking", divided by number of woodchucks, adding number of hairs on the woodchucks butthole = wood chucked.)

Is there really a Santa Claus? (No use beating around the bush here- yes, EG. Yes there IS a Santa Claus. He just knows your deepest secrets and is scared to come to your house anymore. Better you hear this from me than on the street.)

Why does the sun shine? (My butt. Oh, sorry- I thought you asked where does the sunshine come from. My bad.)

Why does the wind blow? (Mostly to keep the stink down, but it also blows for the sheer entertainment of seeing the underpants of unsuspecting females who stupidly thought to wear poofy skirts on a windy day.)

How was the universe created? ( There was a gigantic explosion from which all of our solar system was borne. On Earth, Dinosaurs evolved from the murky depths of the sea, grew large and ferocious, then they roamed the earth eating people like Adam and Eve because they were naked, slow-moving, delicious and tender humans. The end.)

Where does it end? (About 60 miles North of El Paso in a little town called [oddly enough] Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Huh- who'd have thunk it?)

How many stars are in the sky? (Only three, they just use a lot of mirrors.)

How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man? (only one, and it's called the "Hershey Highway")

Why does it always rain on me? (Because [see above] God knows you have a sense of humor)

Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? (Well, to be honest- yes. This will haunt you forever.)

Why can't I have a pony? (Because, while ponies seem like perfect apratment-dwellers due to their small size and ability to be litter-trained, their smell and the "clomp-clomp" of their little hooves tends to piss of the neighbors. Plus you need a good hay supplier, and I don't think there is a reputable one where you live.)

Do you think I should cut back on the coffee? (No- it's really the only thing holding you together at this point. I wouldn't recommend it.)

Where does the white go when snow melts? (This, my dear EG, is where caucasians come from. Don't tell anyone.)

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? (Neither- dinosaurs came first, retard.)

What is your favorite color? (I like puce, but sienna and titanium white are nice too.)

What is the atomic mass of Plutonium? (I'm not sure what you're asking here, but If it's what I think it is, I'm going to go ahead and say no. No, you cannot put your atomic Pluto in my mass. I haven't done that since College.)

Who shot J.R? (Ooh- I should know this one, but I plum forgot. I'm just gonna say that it was Professor Plum in the library with the revolver.)

Why did the chicken cross the road? (According to my grandpa: "In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us!")

Dude, where's my car? (I let your neighbor borrow it to go and refill her antipsychotic medication prescriptions. Hope that's OK...)

Paper or plastic? (Neither- I carry all my groceries in an aluminum briefcase- spy style.)

What are you wearing? (Should I lie and say just my lace panties and high heels, or should I tell the truth and say plaid golf pants, the top half of a donkey costume and combat boots?)

What if there were no rhetorical questions? (Blogs would cease to exist and we all would have much, much more time on our hands to do productive things like "have a life" or "bathe")

How soon is now? (When you say it's gonna happen "now", well, what exactly do you mean?)

And finally...

How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? (Twelve. Unless you let Mabel up there with her big ass, then you're down to 9.)

That's it for today, folks. Stay tuned for more installments of "What the fuck was I thinking asking you all for ideas and questions?: The Whiskeymarie Brain Chronicles starring Phoebe Cates as Whiskeymarie with special appearances by Pauly Shore and Bette Midler!

Happy Tuesday, my inquisitive little chicken ponies. Happy Tuesday.



Jocelyn said...

Excellent questions and AWESOME answers!

Knowledge IS power.

domboy said...

If only the good die young, and I’m 37, does that mean …?

Stacey said...

Ow. My head hurts now.

SkylersDad said...

You should totally replace that Marylin lady who claims to have the highest IQ and has a column.

These answers have changed my life!

John said...

My apartment-dwelling neighbors have a pony and their hooves DO PISS ME OFF. If I didn't love animals so much, I'd KILL that pony.

Sornie said...

Thank you for finally answering the question about where babies come from. I'll tell my old lady to watch out for the guy in the neighborhood mowing lawns.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Brilliant, as usual.

Chiada said...

Okay. I can't wait to see the Whiskeymarie Brain Chronicles staring Phoebe Cates, Pauly Shore, and Bette Midler. This is gonna be good!

H said...

Why does the wind blow?

I would have thought the answer to this one would have been your butt too.



Suze said...

I hope you're giving a test later on this week. I'm memorizing all these answers.

TheHermanator said...

Once More Whiskey, You alone have raised the Bar for what "Off the Wall" really means !

My question is; "If I saw Phoebe Cates today, would I want to "Do her" as much as I did in the 80's ?

T.J. said...

Well, now I know.

And knowing really is half the battle.

Go, Joe!!

LegalMist said...

Thank you for sharing your wealth of knowledge with us plebes! I always learn so very much when I visit your blog!! You have truly solved some of the great mysteries of the universe for me!

Kim said...

Ooohhh, so THAT'S where babies come from! No wonder we've had so much trouble up til now!
Note to self: hire lawn guy.

Gwen said...


Me. You. Convertible. Truth or Consequences, NM.


cjl said...

Lawn guy here. I specialize in trimming hedges, layin tile, and I'm a bad trucker. (can't back out without dumping my load)

You can reach me at 218.390.6996

Evil Genius said...

These were all just a mask for the "What are you wearing?" question. I am torn between the lie and the truth. This is a matter for much contemplation. Much contemplation.

EmBee said...

If Pauly Shore begins making appearances on this blog consider me gone!

Ed said...

My favorite color is also puce. Because I like to say puce.

play. write. blog. said...

This is my first time here. I snorted all over my office reading your answers to these questions (hell, I even snorted at the questions). That got my morning off to a great start. I shall return...