Wednesday, May 4, 2011

On this, the last night of my 30's. I really should be drunk. Yes, even I'm disappointed in me right now.

I'm not going to get all retrospective-y on you all, now that I'm counting down the last 6 minutes of my 30-plus-ten years before I cross the threshold into 40-land.  Nope.  Why would I waste precious time now that I need to spend any spare minutes I may have moisturizing, plucking, back-alley botoxing and hitting on barely-legal bagboys while they pack my Metamucil and Oil of Olay ever so gently next to my prune juice? 

What I am going to say is that my 30's, overall, as a whole, can suck my shapely ass.  And then they can hump a donkey, just for fun.  Humping donkeys is fun- well, that dude on the bus told me it was...that one time. 

Loved my 20's.  LOVED.  I slept around a fair amount, I could eat three cheeseburgers a day and slip into a skintight dress no problem, and I morphed from easily embarrassed and afraid to take a chance into the doesn't give a fuck, dives in head first into an empty pool girl that I am today.

My 30's?  Not so much.  Lots of good, lots of bad, mostly I just want to move on and get the real fun started.  While they weren't quite "write a novel that gets you on Oprah and she cries" bad, I can't say that I'd want to re-live a fair percentage of them.

So here is my pledge, as a (officially, now) newly-minted 4-something gal-

I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, do hereby vow to:
  • go skinnydipping more often
  • wear inappropriate and unseasonal clothing whenever I can
  • try to overcome my intense dislike of shellfish and bivalves
  • finally try and work hats into my "look"
  • shave more than just the bottom half of my legs on a regular basis
  • jump in more puddles
  • occasionally embrace my curly-ish hair
  • tell people to fuck off more often than I do already
  • finally wax my cooter into a smiley face
  • quit apologizing for and validating other people's issues that aren't my problem
  • stop monitoring my neighbor's masturbatory practices (KIDDING!  I'm totally still checking)
  • keep feeding the squirrels and bunnies, even though it pisses the (other, non-masturbating in public) neighbors off
  • stop feeling responsible for other people's happiness
  • Instill even more fear of "me" into my students
  • fart in public on purpose, just once
  • tell the people and animals in my life that I love them as often as I can- well, until it sort of weirds them out, anyways.
  • get my shit together, for realsies
  • And by "shit" I don't mean poo.  I wouldn't know where to put that anyways.  I mean life- you get that, right?
  • talk to random strangers even more often than I do now
  • on that note- willingly accept candy from strangers
  • quit worrying if I vacuumed today and worry more if I had fun today
  • inspect my pores MUCH more closely
  • stop pretending to care about people's kids that I really don't know or- you know, care about.
  • ignoring my politics (rabidly liberal) or lack of religion (hey- atheist here!) just because I am so very tired of hearing about other people's religion and politics and really don't want to debate this shit.  
  • get surgically sterilized- tired of hormones, don't want to spawn, and at my age they'll likely be born with tentacles anyways.  
  • take more pictures
  • crash at least 2 weddings/parties/things I wasn't invited to
  • wash my hair more often
  • continue lying to my dentist about flossing
  • Bring back me & my girl's "dare for a dollar" concept.  Any dare, no matter how extreme, was only worth a dollar.  It leveled the playing field, so to speak, and always resulted in awesomeness.
  • Savor every fucking moment, instead of waiting for the next, bigger, moment.  I'm a lucky girl with friends and family to spare, buckets of fun, and a life that is actually pretty goddamn fabulous.  Now I just need to appreciate that fact & get out to enjoy it...
Happy my birthday, my waxy, curly cooters.  Happy my Birthday.


Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday.

That cracked me up, vey entertaining.

Heh, wish i lived closer to you as you seem to be an absolute riot.

Beverly said...

Happy Birthday.
Go nuts.

Devilham said...

Happy Birthday WM!!!! 40 is not so bad (just rolled it over myself this year), I just consider myself perpetually 32!

John Myste said...

This was helarious. I just found your blog. I hope the rest is funny too. O golly! What if it is just this one?!

Suzer said...

Happy Birthday!!
I really liked your list. There were many moments that made me laugh and also others that made me nod in agreement.

MommyLisa said...

Get some boots and get your booty over to Robbinsdale the next time it rains. Ours our purple and Boo Boo's have Ariel on them and we TOTALLY go puddle jumping up and down the alley's!

Happy Birthday!

Claire said...

Happy Birthday, Whiskeymarie!

Cathy said...

I want to be as hot and sassy as you when I'm 40. I love your list. Do you think we could get a 2-for-1 discount at the local sterilization facility. (aka the hospital)

John D. said...

Happy Your Birthday, you fabulous piece'o work, you. Happy Your Birthday. : )

Anonymous said...

Happy Happy Birthday to you! Glad to have you in my blogworld. You are sooo special!

Love ya,


Sara Strand said...

We need to be BFF's. Forever and ever.

With matching mixed drinks.

WendyB said...

Happy birthday. And if it's any consolation, you'll always be younger than me!

Scope said...

Just a few thoughts:

- "go skinnydipping more often" – Pix or it didn't happen.

- "wear inappropriate and unseasonal clothing whenever I can" – I wear shorts all freakin' winter. Like out. To stores.

- "tell people to fuck off more often than I do already" – Is that possible?

- "stop monitoring my neighbor's masturbatory practices (KIDDING! I'm totally still checking)" – I was thinking, you should leave perv man a note. Mention size and technique.

- "Instill even more fear of "me" into my students" – Once again, is that possible?

- "fart in public on purpose, just once." – Need I remind you of the night we met? Actually, I probably do, you were very hammered.

- "take more pictures" – Hey, this works with the skinnydipping thing perfect!

But in all seriousness, happy birthday, babe.

... said...

Happy Birthday Whiskey!

SkylersDad said...

Happy birthday to one of my favorite people! I am late to the party, I hope you saved cake... no? Oh well, your list is a good one, and promise yourself you will actually check it and follow it as often as possible.

See? I can be all serious when i want to be, but don't tell anybody, OK?

Unknown said...

Happy Birthday Whiskey!

Keep the fun rolling on!

Brooke said...

: ) Happy Birthday

Albany Jane said...

Happy birthday, Whiskey! Cheers to upping your sass!

Gwen said...

I was told there would be cake.

I hope you had the happiest of days, my pet.

Anonymous said...

Happy b-day, gal! Did you get the card?

Amysue in tx

Anonymous said...

Wow,I will have borrow some of these things for my #44 B-day this year!
Farting in public=hysterical!
Accepting candy from strangers=PLEASE?!
And OMG YES to the stop pretending to care about people's kids that I either don't know/care about!
Good ones!
How about adding: Enjoying the look of shock that people will get on their faces when you tell them that you're 40?!

T.J. said...

Geez...I totally missed it.

Give me a couple days to get my shit together, and maybe I'll send ya a little somethin'.

Address the same?


Mnmom said...

Happy Birthday!
As you enter the 40's, I'm ready to exit them.
AWESOME LIST and thanks for sharing. That manifesto is worth framing!!!

Anonymous said...

You're still damn hot!

:shy guy slinks off into interwebs...alone...again:

Anonymous said...

Great 40th blog, but do I have to wait until you're 50 to read more from WM?

Jonnie Andersen said...

You are hilarious! Love it! I'm #100, 100th follower, that is. Is there a surprise gift?

LegalMist said...

So now you're a couple of months into it, how's 40 feel?

I hope it's as grand as your list makes it sound!!