What I am going to say is that my 30's, overall, as a whole, can suck my shapely ass. And then they can hump a donkey, just for fun. Humping donkeys is fun- well, that dude on the bus told me it was...that one time.
Loved my 20's. LOVED. I slept around a fair amount, I could eat three cheeseburgers a day and slip into a skintight dress no problem, and I morphed from easily embarrassed and afraid to take a chance into the doesn't give a fuck, dives in head first into an empty pool girl that I am today.
My 30's? Not so much. Lots of good, lots of bad, mostly I just want to move on and get the real fun started. While they weren't quite "write a novel that gets you on Oprah and she cries" bad, I can't say that I'd want to re-live a fair percentage of them.
So here is my pledge, as a (officially, now) newly-minted 4-something gal-
I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, do hereby vow to:
- go skinnydipping more often
- wear inappropriate and unseasonal clothing whenever I can
- try to overcome my intense dislike of shellfish and bivalves
- finally try and work hats into my "look"
- shave more than just the bottom half of my legs on a regular basis
- jump in more puddles
- occasionally embrace my curly-ish hair
- tell people to fuck off more often than I do already
- finally wax my cooter into a smiley face
- quit apologizing for and validating other people's issues that aren't my problem
- stop monitoring my neighbor's masturbatory practices (KIDDING! I'm totally still checking)
- keep feeding the squirrels and bunnies, even though it pisses the (other, non-masturbating in public) neighbors off
- stop feeling responsible for other people's happiness
- Instill even more fear of "me" into my students
- fart in public on purpose, just once
- tell the people and animals in my life that I love them as often as I can- well, until it sort of weirds them out, anyways.
- get my shit together, for realsies
- And by "shit" I don't mean poo. I wouldn't know where to put that anyways. I mean life- you get that, right?
- talk to random strangers even more often than I do now
- on that note- willingly accept candy from strangers
- quit worrying if I vacuumed today and worry more if I had fun today
- inspect my pores MUCH more closely
- stop pretending to care about people's kids that I really don't know or- you know, care about.
- ignoring my politics (rabidly liberal) or lack of religion (hey- atheist here!) just because I am so very tired of hearing about other people's religion and politics and really don't want to debate this shit.
- get surgically sterilized- tired of hormones, don't want to spawn, and at my age they'll likely be born with tentacles anyways.
- take more pictures
- crash at least 2 weddings/parties/things I wasn't invited to
- wash my hair more often
- continue lying to my dentist about flossing
- Bring back me & my girl's "dare for a dollar" concept. Any dare, no matter how extreme, was only worth a dollar. It leveled the playing field, so to speak, and always resulted in awesomeness.
- Savor every fucking moment, instead of waiting for the next, bigger, moment. I'm a lucky girl with friends and family to spare, buckets of fun, and a life that is actually pretty goddamn fabulous. Now I just need to appreciate that fact & get out to enjoy it...