Because I promise that this will be one of those "take the day off" holidays you love so much.

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Common ways "International Whiskeymarie Day" is celebrated around the world:

• In Canada, celebrants will host a dinner for the local hobos where they will serve Poutine, Nachos and Chili. Then, shots of Canadian whiskey are passed around until one or more fights break out amongst the guests. If guests are not in a fighting mood, dollar bills are thrown into a dirt pit to encourage things. At midnight, illegal fireworks are set off. If no one loses an eye, the next year will be prosperous. If an eye is lost, all attendees are encouraged to live like an animal in the woods until the "year of dispair" is over.
• In Brazil, IWD is observed through a solemn ceremony where everyone gathers in a circle and sings Air Supply songs, then a vow of "no pants" is taken. When seven Sundays have passed, then pants may be worn again.
• In Sweden, the day is marked by people of all ages drinking rhubarbtinis from sunup to sundown, ending the day by throwing up in the ceremonial "barf vessel" which is usually hand-crafted from the finest paper mache' and passed down from generation to generation.
  
• The French refuse to acknowledge IWD ever since Whiskeymarie brought her own box of wine to the Mime Festival and started what later became known as "Le Franzia Riots de Doritos aux Battle Royale".
  
• Germans really whoop it up, marking the day with a stern nod towards one another. It truly is magical.
  
• The Chinese kick off the festivities by taking their 2-minute lunch break in their 18-hour workday to do a little "happy wiggle butt dance" while eating the traditional meal of "Orange Macaroni Gai Pan", the ingredients of which vary from provence to provence, but always include barbequed pork and those little baby corns that are so darn cute.
  

While celebrated enthusiastically and widely throughout the world, IWD is a relatively new holiday here in the US.
Officials from the VonPartypants Campaign for International Awesome Day are asking for suggestions as to how to "officially" celebrate. How best to celebrate the birth of a hero? How best to mark the day that the one who would finally stand up and say "I won't wear pants if I don't feel like it or if I accidentally lose them, dammit!" was born? How best to honor a legend in her own mind?

Please send suggestions in a 7.46" x 23.583333" envelope, along with $6.99 to cover the cost of cheap chardonnay and a bag of skittles to:

IWD Suggestions
6969 Underpants Crossing, Suite 3.14159
Pootertoot City, MN
90219

Send all suggestions "Attention Douchebags" or just cover the outside with Dorito dust- it'll get to the right place.

I blame the cheese.

Warning! Grossness ahead! For realsies!
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Told you so.

Kids, learn from my mistakes: Don't attempt cutting the cheese (literally, and I guess figuratively too) whilst drunkety drunk drunk.
Yes, I cut through my fingernail. Yes, I shaved off a good chunk of the tip. Yes, I am as coordinated as a one-armed, blindfolded monkey on roller skates. Yes, I am a culinary "professional". Yes, I am an idiot.

Goo in my eye, and you're to blame- honey you give crackheads a bad name...

My day, every day for the last week:

• 9:00-ish: wake up, wonder why I can't open my eyes, realize it's because they are crusted over with some sort of sticky yet crunchy goo. Pick enough goo from eyes so that I may open them and not accidentally use one of the cats for a towel (again) in my blind confusion.
• 9:10- Take the first benadryl of the day, use a crowbar to pry eyelids up to put allergy eyedrops in, go back to bed to wait for it all to "kick in".
  
• 9:30- Benadryl not working yet, start scratching at face and eyeballs like a crackhead with ADHD.
  
• 9:45- second round of eyedrops (hey- it says on the bottle "up to four times daily", it doesn't say that you can't do all four at once), toss in a Zyrtec for good measure. Look around bathroom to see if the prescription narcotics fairy came last night, find nothing under my toothbrush- again.
  
• 9:50- back in bed, still rubbing at my eyes, hoping I don't end up looking like I suffer from alopecia due to extreme eyelash loss.
  
• 9:55- Take another 1/2 Benadryl- chew it up before swallowing to speed things up. Examine my pink teeth in the mirror.
  
• 9:56- Pee while the cats weave around my legs and occasionally try and peek in the back of the bowl to see what is going on.
  
• 9:58- Feed cats, sit on kitchen floor and wonder why I'm so.....sleeeeepppyyyyy...
• 10:00- Lay in bed with a cold washcloth on my eyes and kleenex stuffed up my nose.
• 10:01- Realize it's Earth Day, shake fist in the air angrily while cursing Mother Nature for inventing pollen and dust. I think she's still pissed off at us for the whole "Exxon Valdez oil spill" thing. Christ lady- get over it already!
  
• 10:08- Look in mirror, wonder why I didn't wake up last night when someone was apparently beating my face with a hammer.
  

• 10:30- Put on mittens and a hockey mask to prevent scratching.
• 10:55- Drugs kicking in, become unable to remove myself from the couch & unable to move to change the channel so I am forced to watch the Today Show with Kathie & Hoda. As I sit there I mentally sew Kathie Lee's mouth shut and pray for a Shamwow! commercial as it would be infinitely less annoying.
  
• 11:10- Slowly I extricate myself from the couch- it makes a popping noise when I finally pull free. Go to kitchen and start mainlining caffeine.
  
• 11:20 and beyond- Go about the rest of my day in a haze- randomly popping pills, dropping eyedrops and snorting crushed up Claritin off of a mirror with a hundred dollar bill.
  

Tomorrow, repeat.

Happy Wednesday, my crusty, sniffly blobs of eye goo. Happy Wednesday.

XO
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