Me and my hole.

Did y'all have a nice weekend?

Mine was busy- working Friday night, a quick trip to Duluth to see if one can poison one's digestive tract through systematic overconsumption of Pizza, cheese and "chippy" things...

And this:






I helped dig a big hole.


Insert joke here________.













Do I know how to live large or what? I doubt he'll let me post it, but I took a little film of my Mr. pulverizing some of the giant rocks we had to dig out with a pickaxe while "Sail Away" by STYX played loudly in the background and my retardedly drunk neighbor worked on the engine of his truck which, I shit you not, burst into flames when he tried to start it later (and drunkier) in the day. Oh, and after he made me & the Mr. walk over to the back of the yard so he could tell us a joke about old people and blow jobs.

Good times.


Maybe next weekend I can do something REALLY exciting, like tiling the basement floor.





Woo. Hoo.

Happy Monday, my little chunks of gravel-coated yard dirt. Happy Monday.

XO

And how did YOU spend your Friday morning?

So, I find myself with a bit of morning free time on my hands (a.k.a. time I should be catching up on work, cleaning, laundry, personal grooming and bettering myself through singing disco songs with my cats), so I says to myself, "Self, it's that time of year again, you know. Fall is upon us, and with Fall comes that blessed of all holidays. You know, the one where a savior was born in a barn in a remote area, and that savior went on to lead us all into a golden age of wisdom, self-fulfillment, compassion and dressing up in costumes on a weekday for fun."

"Oh yeah!" I said to myself (for some reason I was also saying this in Carol Channing's voice, but that's neither here nor there), "It's time for nachos!"

Sigh.

No, dummy.

It's time for me to once again help you plan for the blasphemous and satanic holiday known as Hallo-freaking-ween, folks.

Don't you know it, here we are again with Part one of this year's...

"Give me 20 minutes and I'll show you the world" Halloween costume ideas!!!!

Some of you know the rules- I will give you costume ideas based on two guidelines:
a) Must be completely assembled in 20 minutes or less.
b) Have to be made of things already in my house.

Last year had some doozies, but I think this year is off to a strong start.


First in line:

I have, at certain points in my life, been called a, displayed behavior becoming, and very loudly called others an Asshat.

Today I give you...

Asshat!


All you need is a pair of control-top pantyhose or a pair of those Spanx shorts thingies stuffed with an everyday throw pillow insert. Feel free to embellish with streamers of toilet paper and smears of chocolate, if you're going to that sort of party. It took me the full 20 minutes to engineer this thing on my noggin, so I was unable to gussy it up too much.

Next up-

As you all know (and are bored to tears by), I gave birth to two beautiful children this past year. The doctors seemed surprised when they were covered with black hair and seemed to have whiskers, but dammit- they're my babies, and I will love them and nurture them and teach them to hold their heads high when the other kids call them "pussies" at school.

These new additions to my life have influenced my costume choices this year, as you will see.

Imagine my surprise when, poof! Out of the blue, and in a cloud of smoke...

I was paid a visit by none other than:
Turderella, queen of the clumping cat-litter fairies!

Turderella travels the world scooping litter boxes, pulling out clumps that are sometimes bigger than your average Idaho potato, sometimes as small as a gummi bear. Her scooping abilities are the best in the world, she has no equal.

I killed two birds with one stone with this costume, as today is recycling day and I needed to break down the cardboard boxes anyways. The turd is a brown shirt wrapped around a crumpled paper bag with packing peanuts ("litter") as garnish.

Lastly (for today, anyways), I have recieved numerous requests from my male (and some of my female) readers to post pornographic photographs of myself.

Well, I'm no prude, as you well know by now. But, I do have at least the tiniest smidgen of class (It's buried underneath the blob of undigested marshmallows somewhere in my lower intestine, I think).

Fine.

I'll give it to you, but be warned- this is full-frontal, uncensored and totally going to get me in trouble with Blogger.

Don't say I don't give my all for y'all.

Here we go...
.
.
.
.
.
I give you...
.
.
.
.
.
.
Me, "NUDE"!


Here's the one I'm sending to Hustler with my application:

You're welcome. And um...no, those totally aren't underwear on my head. Nope.


Stay tuned for part 2 and possibly three. Now I have to go and be an upright citizen at work.

Happy Friday, my rhinestone-embellished, tights-wearing, clown-makeupped little whateverthehellyouares. Happy Friday.

XO

If it's "hump day" how come no one's humping me?

Random updates, in bullet form so as not to cause recurring warts:

• The Mr. declared our new fancypants washer and dryer to be "hands-down, the best purchase we've made. Ever." I guess our house, our wedding bands and Larry, the hobo we purchased on the black market for thirty-five cents and a pack of Old Golds mean nothing to him. Ingrate.
• Once again I have proven why the Government chose to deem me (via certified letter) "unfit for being in charge of/overseeing/minding the cage of any living being under the age of 45" by accidentally locking Trouble in our tiny back porch all night last night. In case you're keeping score, this is the third time we have unknowingly imprisoned our furry little turd factories. Don't be surprised if I'm on the new season of "Animal Cops".
• Two new lights installed in the ongoing series "Operation Fix this Fucking House":

The entry light that I am in deep, tingly love with. It's hand-blown, swirly, blood-red glass that looks amazing at night:


And our dining room light. The glass drum in about 1/2" thick and the whole thing weighs about as much as a case of severed human feet, which if you are unaware, weighs about 40 pounds. Please ignore the manky ceiling as we haven't got that far yet:

I'm going to pretend that my semi-sexual love of these lights makes up for the fact that our electrician "accidentally" ripped out our perfectly lovely 40's retro kitchen light (that he and I had JUST discussed and I told him I wanted to keep it rather than try to find a new one right now) and replaced it with a $12 shit light that we had purchased (and clearly labeled as such) for the top of the basement stairs. I'm just telling myself that he was drunk.

• I threw out a bunch of crap we had stored in our old IKEA coffee table that has now moved on to greener pastures at a friend's house in Minneapolis. Included in all of the stuff we HAD to hold on to for several years:

A huge stack of magazines from 2005-6 (on a side note: I have subscribed to Harper's for many years now, yet I have actually made it through .06% of them. I think I felt that I needed it to balance out my Interview, Vanity Fair, Esquire, Marie Claire and Domino consumption. I don't want my mailman to think that I'm shallow.):

Packets that I thought at first might be lube (and was wondering what happens at home when I'm not there as this stuff was in the living room) but turns out is just eyeglass lens cleaner wipes:


I kept these, however, as I have an unhealthy obsession with old magazines and newspapers:


And I kept these because NO ONE gets to touch my electronic Yahtzee game, and I can appreciate a good Stud. Really, who doesn't?:

But this next thing? I have no idea where it came from, but I don't feel like I should toss it. I don't smoke of the weed, but I have to assume that if I ever choose to do so that I will end up legally compromised in an unfamiliar State in some way, shape, or form. You never know when something like this will come in handy:

• I bought new (ugly but so comfortable I want to spoon with them) shoes for work from a company called Ulu. The shoe is called the "huvi", so I have been randomly exclaiming "ULU HUVI!" for the last day or so. Try it, it's fun.
• I found my old prom dresses. We'll see what direction I go with this discovery...
• I have to go to work- you'll have to continue this conversation without me. Just imagine me nodding and going "Wow! That's so interesting! You are truly a man/woman among men/women."

Happy Wednesday, my little, tumbling piles of dust bunnies and lint. Happy Wednesday.

XO