The Vegina Monologues

I'll admit it- I'm missing cheese right now in a way that is probably making strangers uncomfortable.  I'm learning the hard way that no one is going to say yes to the question, "Can I watch you eat that cheeseburger?"

That rumbling you heard in the Universe lately is likely caused by the fact that, for the foreseeable future, I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, world-renowned connoisseur of snack foods, cured pork products and all things "chippy" am eating 95% vegan, 99% vegetarian (95% of the time, anyways) (I know, math is hard.).

Yes, I know what you're saying- "But Whiskey, aren't vegans typically self-righteous assholes that feel the need to vocalize this affliction to anyone within hearing range at every possible moment?"
To that, I say mostly yes, and they should be openly mocked.  Often.  BUT, I'm not classifying myself as such.  I'm dabbling more than anything else, and should an errant piece of cheddar or bacon accidentally fall into my mouth once in a blue moon (much like how I lost my virginity. What? You DIDN'T "accidentally" fall onto a penis your first time?), I'm not going to beat myself up about it. 

Mostly I know this- after xxxmas, New Years, and a few fun stops in-between, I was sluggish in a way that was surprising even to me, my granny panties were reaching maximum capacity, and my gut felt like I had been drinking vinegar shots with a battery acid chaser on a regular basis.  I'm only a week or so into this ridiculousness, but pounds are flying off and I actually woke up before 8:00am twice this week, ON PURPOSE.  Trust me, that pretty much never happens.  I may have even been what is often referred to as "chipper" this morning, causing me to want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. 

Now, we all know this won't likely last, given my general propensity to abandon all forays into "health" so fast that I leave skid marks (insert joke here), but for now, humor me. If you're nice I'll even regale you with tales of: my technicolored poo (beets!) (Who are we kidding, I'll tell you if you're nice or not), odd uses for tofu, my dreams where I make sweet sweet love to a wheel of brie, and why I always giggle when I say "Bok Choy."

Wish me luck- this isn't my natural environment and, much like a wild animal trapped in the city, I may bite if provoked.

This could get ugly.

Happy Wednesday, my marinated and oddly spongy little tofu nuggets.  Happy Wednesday.

Whiskeymarie v. the Internets- kind of like Alien v. Predator, but with more gore.

So...yeah.  That whole "losing my blog" thingy?

Not so much fun as I thought it would be.

It started out simple enough- I was checking my sitemeter for the first time in a looooong time, and I started seeing some strange links appear- links that started giving me the sneaking suspicion that something was amiss with my beloved baby, whiskeymarie.com.  (Not the usual weirdness that you'd expect, like people googling "monkey scat play" or "pudding underpants" and ending up here, though there was plenty of that as well.  Thankfully some things will never change.)

I clicked on one suspicious item to find an auction site, RUN BY MY DOMAIN HOST, where my beloved domain was on the block, for sale to the highest bidder.  The bidding was up to $405, and much to my delight, I saw that the auction ended in less than two days from that point.

The best way I can sum up the situation and my feelings from that point on is this:
FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK.

I spent about 52 hours on the phone and online from then on, hysterically trying to convey my problem to various tech people in that high-pitched way that highly-strung women with aggression issues will tend to convey these sorts of things.  I feel especially bad for the genuinely nice guy who had to listen to my "THIS IS BULLSHIT" speech.  More than once.  In the same phone call.  I'm pretty sure there is a picture of me somewhere at the GoDa**y headquarters right now with numerous darts in it.   What can I say- I don't handle this sort of stuff very well, I guess.

The worst part was the lag time between my questions/issues and the responses.  Some e-mails (all phone calls were followed-up with e-mails) were returned with the hour, some took 48+ hours to get any sort of response.  Couple that with my frustration in trying to find information that I never really thought would be so damn critical so I of course filed it away somewhere under "you'll never find this again, you dumb twat" and had to try and search out the information online, armed with nothing but a bucket of possible passwords and a few glasses of cheap white wine.

And then, to top it all off, once the auction deadline came and went, I still had no idea the fate of  my little home here.  No e-mails.  Nada.  Nope.  It wasn't until the following Tuesday (this all started on Thursday) that I finally learned that I was indeed still the headmistress of this little corner of my world.  I would not be sold off to that erotic lunchbox company in South Korea.  Yay?

Unfortunately, in that "gray area" of time, I had to make a few decisions, the most critical one being what to do with my content so that it didn't end up in the hands of black-market blog peddlers.  It felt strange, but once I imported the info over to my new domain, I click-click-clicked a few times and poof!
Deleted everything. Bye bye.

It was strangely refreshing. 

I also stupidly assumed that I could export it all back over once the dust settled, if need be.  Man, was I wrong.  So, until Blogger fixes a "known issue" that has been "known" since December of last year, you'll need to go to the new blog for my archives.  Such is life.  Let's just consider it a fresh start, of sorts.  Kind of like putting on clean underpants midway through a 95 degree day- you know they're gonna eventually stink as much as the last pair, but for a few brief, shining moments you can enjoy feeling and smelling somewhat fresh.

So, yeah.  Six days, $200+, fourteen bottles of wine and several less years of my life later, I can say that I fought the man and I won.  Sort of.

I'm glad to still be here, my little chickadees.  Once I figure out my redecorating plans here, I'll get links back up and such and such.  I've been a bit m.i.a. lately, mostly due to the fact that, after spending 2-3 hours trying to retrieve my old posts every stinking day with zero success, I had no patience or energy for much else, online-wise.  Now that I've given up trying I can re-focus my energies.

That's my new motto, I think: When all else fails, give it the fuck up already, will you?

Amen.  A-fuckingmen.