Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Vegina Monologues

I'll admit it- I'm missing cheese right now in a way that is probably making strangers uncomfortable.  I'm learning the hard way that no one is going to say yes to the question, "Can I watch you eat that cheeseburger?"

That rumbling you heard in the Universe lately is likely caused by the fact that, for the foreseeable future, I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, world-renowned connoisseur of snack foods, cured pork products and all things "chippy" am eating 95% vegan, 99% vegetarian (95% of the time, anyways) (I know, math is hard.).

Yes, I know what you're saying- "But Whiskey, aren't vegans typically self-righteous assholes that feel the need to vocalize this affliction to anyone within hearing range at every possible moment?"
To that, I say mostly yes, and they should be openly mocked.  Often.  BUT, I'm not classifying myself as such.  I'm dabbling more than anything else, and should an errant piece of cheddar or bacon accidentally fall into my mouth once in a blue moon (much like how I lost my virginity. What? You DIDN'T "accidentally" fall onto a penis your first time?), I'm not going to beat myself up about it. 

Mostly I know this- after xxxmas, New Years, and a few fun stops in-between, I was sluggish in a way that was surprising even to me, my granny panties were reaching maximum capacity, and my gut felt like I had been drinking vinegar shots with a battery acid chaser on a regular basis.  I'm only a week or so into this ridiculousness, but pounds are flying off and I actually woke up before 8:00am twice this week, ON PURPOSE.  Trust me, that pretty much never happens.  I may have even been what is often referred to as "chipper" this morning, causing me to want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. 

Now, we all know this won't likely last, given my general propensity to abandon all forays into "health" so fast that I leave skid marks (insert joke here), but for now, humor me. If you're nice I'll even regale you with tales of: my technicolored poo (beets!) (Who are we kidding, I'll tell you if you're nice or not), odd uses for tofu, my dreams where I make sweet sweet love to a wheel of brie, and why I always giggle when I say "Bok Choy."

Wish me luck- this isn't my natural environment and, much like a wild animal trapped in the city, I may bite if provoked.

This could get ugly.

Happy Wednesday, my marinated and oddly spongy little tofu nuggets.  Happy Wednesday.

10 comments:

Smart Ass Sara said...

I would probably die if I had to be vegetarian. Mostly because the only vegetables I will eat are cucumbers and iceberg lettuce and nobody is getting any value out of those.

Anonymous said...

Hey WM,

Funny, I've been thinking about changing my diet too and then something happens. Good luck with your healthy eating!

Patti

Christa said...

We did this two summers ago and had awesome results. You might even learn to like "cheese" made from nutritional yeast. Srsly.

Now we're more like vegan-at-home, whatever-we-want in restaurants. And now we sometimes order pizza. And I recently reintroduced cheddar, dear cheddar, into the refrigerator.

But man. When you get to the part where you're juicing apples, beets and kale, you'll never feel better (and more self-righteous).

Also: nutritional yeast turns your urine gold! Another selling point!

Scope said...

Just don't do one of those "Cleanse" things that makes you crap ropes.

feisty said...

double wammy: good for the planet, good for the gut.

i can eat vegetarian easily, but vegan is a toughie. luck to you! (perhaps it is a tiny bit easier, you being someone who actually knows HOW to cook)

Vic said...

I can discipline myself to do something like this every couple of years and then there is always the inevitible slide down the carb, meat and cheese slope.

John D. said...

I would say I'm proud of you, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, not so much for the vegetarian/vegan aspect (although extra kudos for that) but because you're always pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to be BETTER. By better, I don't mean better than other people (because we both abhor that); no, I mean better than who you were yesterday. I would say that, if you went in for that sort of sappy sentimentality. So instead, I'll just think it. : )

You remind me of me. : )

I, too, have embarked on a semi-similar journey which I've never done before. I'm not telling what I'm doing, but I'll keep you posted.

Great title, btw. Hahahahaha. : )

Brewella Deville said...

Hey Whiskey, long time no see. It's me, Kirby. New name, same old shlubby hausfrau.

Like you, I also kept a dedicated cheese drawer in the fridge. I feel your pain though, because my doctor said I had to get my cholesterol down OR ELSE! I'm not doing vegan, but I'm up to my neck in greens and beans. Good luck with the whole vegan thing.

Chris said...

Every time I try to go vegetarian I end up living on peanut butter and jelly with potato chips, which I don't think is the point. I look forward to some different thoughts.

Angela said...

I have loved this blog for a few years now. I love that you still post here, Ms. Marie!