Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The hamster shouldn't complain about his wheel, dammit. At least he's working out.

If I should cast off this tattered coat,
And go free into the mighty sky;
If I should find nothing there
But a vast blue,
Echoless, ignorant --
What then?

-Stephen Crane

This is my one of my very favorite poems ever. I've never seen it as purely a comment on whether or not there is an "after" for this life or not, as I made that decision for myself a long time ago (Nada. Zip. Not in my summation anyways. I'm not the boss of you- think whatever you want to think, Thinky McThinkerson). Nope.

For me, this has been a less tangible, less obvious observation on those things that we see off in the future and wonder, "Should I?" What if I cast off the idea that my job is possibly a tireless routine that, over the years will suck my soul out despite the amazing hours and great pay, and start seeing it as something that I, theoretically, have the power to forge into something life-changing? What if I'm wrong about that and get stuck in an endless routine of contentedness and hamster wheelishness? What if I dare to do the things that I know will maybe make my restless and never-contented ass happier than I probably deserve to be? What if I don't? What if I was wrong in the first place? What if I was right?
Earlier this week, I fleetingly thought, "What if I really do have food poisoning and I have a 'whoops I crapped my pants' moment at work?" Ok, I guess that's not relevant to the existential b.s. here, but I thought it nonetheless and I am nothing if not an oversharer. Spoiler: I didn't crap my pants.

Anyhoo, I think my LONG standing writer's block has stemmed from my basic life-paralysis. I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I can muster up anything anyways. I know change is needed, but for the first time in my life I'm not 100% sure what those changes need to be. Maybe I need another dog, maybe I need another hobby besides competitive internet shopping and precision nose-blowing, maybe I need to bomb the shit out of everything I know as normal and create something new. I have some leanings towards certain things, but I think I've been waiting for some sign from the leprechauns that tell me what to do. Last time they told me to start fires, so I occasionally question their motives, but hey- it's what I've got. I have the wheels of change in motion, but they're moving slowly, which is probably for the best. When they move too fast I tend to run over things like squirrels and souls. One lets out a sad, squishy squeal when this happens, the other is more of a disappointed sigh.

 Not sure where this is going, mostly I wanted to explain my absence in some other way beyond a blithe, dismissive, bullet-pointed recap that I normally would do. If anyone is reading anymore, and I'd be shocked enough to maybe crap my pants for real if they were, I am back. For realsies. I feel like I needed a "breaking the hymen" (again) post to get back on that horse.
Well, I'm bleeding from the crotchal region (metaphorically, dummies) and trotting away happily on my steed, ignoring the fact that last time I rode I was horribly sore and chafed in my nether-regions the next day. Also? I may have horse-riding and "donkey shows" confused again. I'm easily confused.

Happy Wednesday, my existential little nuggets of horse poo. Happy Wednesday.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh good, your OK.

Vic said...

Present. Reading.
Are you thinking of catering full time?
You've got time off over the holiday. Give yourself permission to let everything go and focus on what would make you happy.
A jaunty Santa hat photo may be required prior to Christmas, however.

John D. said...

You can explain your absence better than I can explain mine, and it sure sounds like we're both stuck in the same place (except I'm much closer to the abyss than you are : ). "...my basic life-paralysis" really resonated. Truth is, I had a great 3/4 of a year. The last quarter sort of went off a cliff. I've only come to one conclusion about being happy; I think you have to be in the process of achieving something that's important to you. What do you want to do, Marcy? As for all the "what ifs," it's all a roll of the dice. Follow your heart.

More balls. Less chains. : )

Bill said...

Yep, I agree, more dogs.

Tina said...

Hey! There you are! Was this close to issuing a cyber-search party. Publish a cookbook.

Vic said...

I love Tina's idea. I would buy one. Just think of the possibilities.

John D. said...

Cooking for Dummies - the Partypants edition. I'm down. :)

Chris said...

Always forward, never straight. It will come, whatever it is. Or you will get bored and do something stupid. Either way, enjoy the ride.

Glori B. said...

Yeah, I think what Chris said is pretty close to what I think. Maybe it always is. I don't know Chris.

I know that feeling, that early 40's winterish Upper Midwest ennui and wonder. The kids keep me distracted from it, but then, when I'm alone with my thoughts (rarely), it surges over me again.

It's all right, I think.

feisty said...

feeling restless? something new? additional pets or other responsibilties?

OR you could just need some time to pass...(the lazy person's advice)

kkryno said...

Just glad you're back!

Rebeccah Connelly said...

Welcome back sister. Just think, it could be worse. I sat in the alumni career counselor's office today and cried (literally) over my resume. Did I mention that I have been out of college since 1998? Feel better now? Yay!