Sunday, July 10, 2011

Oops, I did it again...

Wow.

I wasn't expecting any sort of personal catharsis while I was watching late-night reruns of "Intervention" (new to me, however, as I am too cheap to spring for "fancy" cable).

I was watching one about "Sarah", a MN girl who lost her home, car, husband & daughter to meth.  Though the tragedy of the situation wasn't lost on me, I was starting to fall asleep nonetheless.

Until...

...she (Sarah) met her grandmother in a local hotel, poolside, to discuss the grandmother's concerns about little Sarah's meth habit and it's consequences.  As I was watching, I kept thinking, "Hey, this hotel looks familiar- where do I know it from??"

A few "I'm sorry's" between the ladies later, and it hit me.  Like a ton of bricks.

That hotel pool area was the last time I saw my Mother alive in 1991.  She and my Dad were in town for family stuff & shopping, and because I was so gosh darned "busy" with my 20 year-old life full of UN Summits and such, this was the only time I could see them, allegedly.  Less than 2 weeks later she would be dead from a massive heart attack. 

The second I realized this, my "hey I'm staying up late because I can!!!" night turned into "Hey, I forgot how fucking hard this is to remember this shit."  And...then I was (and am) bawling like a fucking baby.

I hate when this sneaks up on me, and I hate when I remember what an ungrateful turd I was.

I don't need or want sympathy here, I mostly just wanted to vent how this moment, this...bit I forgot, snuck up on me and reminded me how much and how little things have changed since that warm, sunny afternoon at a hotel in Bloomington, MN. 

Count your blessings, monkeys.  Then hug them and kiss them and smother them in that special way only people who are related can smother one another.

11 comments:

Kez said...

So sorry for your loss and the memory of it that you carry.
It's amazing how the weirdest things can trigger feelings of residual grief. For my husband, cheesecake reminds him of his brother who passed away last year. For me, watching some damn Kardashian show brought back memories of my best friend's failed pregnancies (something that affects me deeply now that I know the blessing of being pregnant).
I remember as a teenager bawling my eyes out to some John Travolta movie because it reminded me of my friend who was murdered when we were only 8.

I hope that you realise that everything always seems clearer with hindsight and wisdom. It probably wasn't so easy back then to show your mum how grateful you were for her. What you know now will mean that you will take that hard lesson with you and the people you care about will benefit the most. Don't be too hard on yourself xoxo

Chris said...

What a poignant reminder. It does suck when it sneaks up. Try not to be too hard on yourself. We're all selfish pricks when we're twenty-something. It's the rules.

Thanks for this.

kirby said...

Great, and here I was all set to tear my dad a new one for being such a jerk lately. Now what am I supposed to do?

SkylersDad said...

I was fortunate that as my mom declined slowly, I was able to apologize repeatedly for being such a dickhead when I was young.

And you think I'm a dickhead now? I was all pro back then.

feisty said...

I was an ass to my parents through college, and luckily I had chance to apologize and make up for lost time. Sorry that you were not as lucky.

Strange show to trigger those memories and feelings. Sounds like you were blindsided. Memories can be such pissers.

This Reminds me to call my moms up tomorrow.

Mommy Lisa said...

Yup. Its a crazy thing memories...and what triggers them. Hug for you.

bereccah said...

I hate when that shit sneaks up on you, all Navy Seal style. The good news is that I'd bet your mom knew you weren't destined to be an ass forever and loved you anyway. Vent away...

Fran said...

That you can write about this with such candor, speaks volumes about you. Amazing volumes, amazing.

Gwen said...

Hey, guess what? Having you as a friend is one of my blessings, ungrateful turdiness and all. ((hugs n kisses))

UN Summit? That was a meeting for your Underpants 'Nonymous group, wasn't it?

John said...

Wow. Painful as I know they are for you, I love when you share your vulnerable moments.

*love*

Katrin said...

I am so sorry.