Sunday, June 13, 2010
If I dig further back, I'm sure I'll find pirates and cannibals.
Well, I found out this weekend exactly how hard the work was for one of my relatives, in particular. I was at a family wedding (for my cousin) and one of my uncles filled me in on a rather colorful piece of VonPartypants history: Turns out, my great-grandmother (Or great-great? I think it was just one "great") was...
...a madam. At a brothel located over a bar in West Duluth.
I am waaayyy more pumped about this than a normal person would/should be. I have hooker blood in me!!
Wait- that sounded morbid and serial killer-ish. You know what I mean.
I'm guessing that most people wouldn't be finding this quite as awesome as I do. BUT I DO! Madam!!!
I'm guessing that the reality of the job and what it entailed wasn't quite as glamorous as I have it pictured in my head, and the callouses involved weren't located on her hands (or, maybe...). But in my rodent-infested noggin I'm thinking of something sexy and classy, or sexy and sassy- something along the lines of "Belle du Jour" with Catherine Deneuve or "Irma la Douce" with Shirley MacLaine, but I'm guessing a more accurate scenario would involve sweaty factory workers, someone that looked like Patty the daytime hooker from "My Name is Earl", dirty sheets and a few shots of cheap whiskey.
OH!! THAT REMINDS ME!!!
I almost forgot- my other great Grandma specialized in trafficking homemade hooch to and from the Iron Range (you MN people will get this) during prohibition.
DID YOU HEAR THAT??? HOOKERS AND BATHTUB GIN SPECIALISTS!!! THESE ARE MY PEOPLE!!
I couldn't have received better news this week even if I had found out I was giving birth to twin spider monkeys. I feel vindicated for both my slutty years in my early 20's, as well as my deep, soulful love of cocktails. It's in my DNA, dammit!
Now, I need to find pictures of these women just to satisfy my curiosity. Will they look used hard and put away wet like the saggy, middle-aged, bleached hair, missing teeth hookers you see on "Cops"? Or will they have a quiet elegance about them, wise beyond their years but still turning heads left and right?
Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Maybe it is best to leave that question unanswered and keep living in my imaginary hooker-hooch world. Until I hear otherwise, I'm telling people that I'm descended from a Faye Dunaway-esque line of "bad"women (a la "Bonnie and Clyde"). This should explain it enough for most people.
I'll let everyone else decide on their own what vice I'm going to decide to be an expert in, because I'm not telling once I do.
Right now? Right now I'm just weighing my options.
A girl should ruin her reputation just the right way- this isn't a decision I take lightly, you know...