Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Slipping Ex-lax into my wine might help...

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Right now, I'm...
  • looking at my bling-bling, newly de-grungified toes:

  • Overly excited to visit Gwen over Memorial weekend. (Yay!! Pooping on stuff!!) This is way too early to be excited, I know. By the time the end of May rolls around, I will have surely imploded from anticipation. If I do, Y'all can forage through my remains for whatever bits you want to keep in a jar on the mantel, but make sure my hoo-ha and nip nips get sent to the Smithsonian, where they belong.
  • Teaching an advanced pastry class at work right now. This? This is not nearly as awesome as it sounds. I have to taste everything before I grade it. Every-thing. After three or four so-rich-they-should-come-with-a-defibrillator-and-maybe-some-XXXXXL-sweatpants desserts, I'm done. Sugar overload- my blood sugar level has reached gummy bear and pixie stix levels, folks. On a related note: Yesterday one of my students asked me if there was ever any projects/desserts made by students that I absolutely wouldn't eat. I told her about the one and only student that I've ever had where I couldn't even consider putting even a morsel in my ever-so-ladylike pie hole. This particular student (we'll call him "Shasty McNastypants" just for Not Benny) wasn't the brightest bulb on the tree to begin with, but after another student mentioned how Shasty McNastypants had been regaling him with tales of how he liked to shit in his own hands whilst showering, just "because it's easier to clean up that way", well...the decision was pretty much made for me.
  • Riding my bike everywhere. The other day, while I was biking to work, some random dude walking on the street yelled after me, "go faster!!" with a goofy smirk on his face. Then he got into his car and pulled up beside me at a stop sign and honked. WTF, dude? I'm thinking I maybe misunderstood him and he actually yelled, "Ho, bastard!!!" in a misguided attempt to woo me soft and gentle-like. I do that to men sometimes.
  • Needing a kick in the ass, blog-wise. Is there anything you want me to talk about? Burning questions you may have? (Not to be confused with burning sensations you may have- keep that shit to yourself, weirdo.) Stories I forgot to tell you? Until I get my mojo back, I need some help from you, dearest internets. Don't make me resort to writing about ingrown hairs or my pet's poo habits (again). Please- it's in your own best interests, trust me.
Happy Wednesday, my little constipated nuggets of sugary goodness. Happy Wednesday.



T.J. said...

he liked to shit in his own hands whilst showering, just "because it's easier to clean up that way"


H said...

Love the toesies! Also, the Shasty McNastypants story is one of the grossest stories I've ever heard. Thank you for that.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

So the rumors are not true. You're alive after all. Well played milady, well played indeed.

Keith said...

Maybe not what you want to hear but ... well, you asked.

Remember that post that you shit-canned awhile back because you said that you had to know when to fold 'em? It's still in my Reader but I'd luv to now if the Bitch ever responded to your scathing response to her insanity. I never got the whole story and you know how much I luv me some massively twisted posts. If you can.

Some Guy said...

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the logic behind the "shitting in my hands is easier to clean up" strategy.

Anonymous said...

Who's the new kitty?

WendyB said...

Nice toes, bastard!

SkylersDad said...

I'm with Some Guy. It's one thing to have horrible hygiene, but horrible logic to go with it?

See, I have resorted to stealing others comments my writers block sucks so bad...

Perfectly Shelly said...

Oh...Oh....Oh.....we at work were JUST talking about a mother who needs to help her disabled son with his constipation. I'll NEVER ever eat a snack from her on snack day again. Never. Ever.

While I appreciate the things we mothers do for our kids, I doubt latex gloves is even in her vocabulary.

I like reading ANYTHING you talk about, but you know me...I love the cookin' stuff.

Gives us all tips and techniques for making fancy food at home!

I'll check again in a few minutes to see how that's coming along.


John said...


That is all.

Gwen said...

Smithsonian's ASS! I called dibs on your hoo-ha and nip nips a long time ago. Do not stiff me. (Get it? STIFF me? When you're DEAD? Ha!)

Is it Memorial Day yet?
Is it Memorial Day yet?
Is it Memorial Day yet?
Is it Memorial Day yet?
Is it Memorial Day yet?
Is it Memorial Day yet?

As for what I want to know . . . I cut and pasted these straight from yahoo answers:

What's the best way to make a basset hound happy?

Why does my baby get craky at around supper time?

Do you like my new poem?

My sister is pregnant am I TOO excited?

Can your appendix move around?

What is a universal image that everyone loves to see?

What range should a multimeter read for capacitors?

How much 5-htp is needed to help with premature ejaculation?

why does it look like im going cross eyed should i get medical attention?

How long do you think it would take you to walk around the whole world?

And you have to wear a costume when you answer these. Go!

Lollie said...

WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! Where the hell does the shit go?!

And its nice to have you back.

Where does Gwen live? Is she close to me? Because I will need a drink by then (just over a month to go) and I'd love to share it with you guys.

Mine said...

Oh, more stories regarding students, dumb and/or horrific, pleeeeeeeeease??????

Love hearing stories about food. Especially sugar-laden food. Whith chocolate. And cream. And (runs off to assuage craving)

Whiskeymarie said...

T.J.- Indeed. In-freaking-deed.

H- Like you expect anything else from me, now that you know me better. ;)

Dr. M- You lie!!! All the rumors about me are true!!! Well, except for that whole "being dead" thing.

Sim- If you really want to know, I'll tell you via e-mail. Promise. I just don't want to give her the pleasure of getting undeserved attention of any sort.

Anon- just an LOLcat- if I bring home another pussy I'm pretty sure I'm headed for divorce court.

Some Guy- Right? RIGHT???

WendyB- thanks for noticing, cunt! ;)

SkyDad- Hell, I've considered stealing other people's children for blog fodder lately. KIDDING!!!

Perf Shelly- I'll get on it, posts to follow...
(and a big EEEWW! to your coworker. Gross.)

John- Oh honey, I know you so well...

Gwen- I love you, sugartits. Answers coming soon?

Lol- Your guess is as good as mine as to where the shit goes. Down the drain, maybe? (Gag)
Gwen lives in St. Louis- want to come and join us for the weekend? (totally not joking- XOXO)

Mine- Oh, I have so, so, so many stories from work...I promise more soon. And yes, I have been remiss on the food porn lately- sorry. It's not for lack of cooking, that's for sure. Forn (food + porn) coming soon.

Cali said...

I'm with Mine. More work stories with more detail, please.

Stacey said...

I knew I'd get you out of your blogstipation with the threat of more drunk texting.

And, yes I did just take credit for that.

Also Halloween costumes. It's never too early.

Bee tee double u isn't your turday coming up ? Write about your best berfday ever and maybe your shittiest.

Finally my life may not be complete until I'm able to kick it with you and Gwen . So think about someone other than yourselves and invite moi next time.

That is all.

Hogs and Quiches!

Charm City Barfly said...

That's some sexy little bling you got on your toenails there, lady!

Jealous that you are going to Chicago. I f'in LOVE that town.

Chris said...

The wife and I have had occasion lately to talk about people we have known who are the kind of people one finds in Coen brothers movies. You know the ones. Tell us about one you know. Please. We will go to sleep right after.

domboy said...

Your ten favorite physical objects you own, please. Lurid details can accompany if it's not too much trouble.

Dr Zibbs said...

I really would like to see some more dumpster shots. Maybe you should just have one rented and leave it at Gwen's house. It might be a lot easier that way

Imnotbenny said...

My mind is at war with itself over the pleasant thought of having a job eating pastries, even if it does turn your insides to candy, and the horror that is your old student crapping in his own hand in the shower.

I hope this hasn't ruined pastries for me now.

Distributorcap said...

it is sunday so happy sunday

Mommy Lisa said...

I am insanley jealous of the pedicure...I want one like it! :)

l'ananas said...

i vote for food porn.