A nip here, a tuck there...

A bit later today, whiskeymarie.com may be unavailable for your viewing pleasure for a teensy bit.

Don't panic- here, have a nice, strong cocktail to calm your nerves- I'm not going anywhere. Well, I'm going to the bathroom in a minute, and I may go say "hey" to the hobos under the freeway bridge tonight, but other than that, I'll still be here to tell you tales of magical underpants and mischievous squirrels.

I'm just doing some much-needed construction & updating and such. My internet boyfriend and foot fetishist-extraordinaire John (pictured) has graciously done some amazing com-pu-tor magic for me. I'm pretty sure I may owe him a kidney or my virginity or something for doing all of this- we're still working out the details.

Hopefully I'll see you later with my facelift complete. I asked for the $29.99 "crazy cat lady" special- wish me luck!!

XO
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Update: Done and done! Send french kisses and pictures of your feet to John for helping me out! New year, new look.
!!

Not so much aiming high as aiming for somewhere in the middle...

I have found that the very act of putting a "resolution" out there (for me anyways) for the world to see pretty much gives said resolution a life span of roughly 14 seconds, or whenever I see something sparkly- whichever comes first. If I ignore it, if I make no grand, sweeping declarations, if I pretend that I enjoy mountains of miscellaneous papers, books, nonworking pens and empty teacups on my desk then it is ten times more likely that I will focus in and organize my damn desk. With a brain full of squirrels and monkeys, this is how it works, folks.

So...instead of "Things I will do/changes I will make in 2009/things I will hate myself in December '09 for not accomplishing", I give you-

Things I absolutely will NOT do and/or changes I resolutely refuse to make in 2009, no matter what. Even if you offer me a shiny nickel or non lice-infested and potty-trained helper monkey. Nope. Not going to happen:

• I don't promise to call more often.
• I can't say I won't eat the last bite of a shared dish just to be nice.
  
• I'll try, but I can't promise to keep that secret.
• I won't exercise when I don't feel like it, or if there is something really good on TV.
• I will not deny the Pizza Luce' delivery drivers the sight of my smiling face at least once a week.
  
• I refuse to apologize to my liver.
  
• I won't stop picking at random invisible things on my face for entertainment.
• I will not stop denying those rumors that deep down I know are true.
  
• I refuse to try to be "in tune" and "sing well".
• No matter how much you stare, I refuse to NOT dance a little at the grocery store if a kick-ass song comes on over the PA system.
  
• I won't stop telling you how good you look in that hideous outfit.
  
• I cannot promise that I won't bail on plans at the last minute because I want to stay home and talk to my cats.
  
• I'm pretty sure I'm still only going to wear matching clothes about 20% of the time.
• I can't say I'm going to be a nicer person, mostly because I think I'm pretty fucking nice already, which is as nice as I want to be.
  
• I probably won't stop being obnoxious sometimes. Really, it's part of my charm.
  
• I refuse to wear pants unless I feel like it.
• I won't pretend I don't want the big piece of cake.
  
• I probably still won't "play it safe".
  
• I won't pretend to not enjoy it when I get my way/win.
• I don't think I'll take up smoking, no matter how cool it looks.
  
• I will not stop buying ridiculous shoes/clothes just because I haven't anywhere to wear them.
  
• I don't think I'll stop playing dress-up.
• I can't even pretend to try to not laugh when you trip.
  
• I'll still act like I'm above gossiping, but I'll still totally gossip.
  
• I won't lie except on the rare occasion when you wear those pants that makes your butt look big.
  
• I won't stop sticking random things in my nose.
  
• I won't stop kissing that picture of you, but I will stop with the tongue.
  

This? I think I can manage. These are resolutions I can live with.

Happy first Wednesday of the year, my little gossipy, nonmatching cat people. Happy Wednesday.

XO
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A quick note to let you know I haven't been kidnapped by leprechauns again.

Sorry- I'm too busy spending approximately 8.5 hours each day playing with the kitties with THIS TOY to have a life right now. Please accept my apologies- it is like crack to them and they love it so much I'm pretty sure they would engage in a "kitty deathmatch" to gain control of this thing. It freaks their shit out which, in turn, is kind of freaking me out. I highly recommend getting one if you have a pussy of your own- you will not regret it.

My life is a virtual blizzard of excitement right now. Yup. Maybe later I'll tell you all about my recent adventures in shoveling, or I'll dazzle you with a tale of what I ate for lunch yesterday (Pho- it was delicious, end of story).

That being said, since I feel I need a life beyond the walls of my messy, under construction abode, and I need to converse in actual words with actual human beings, I'm off to the MOA with my girl Blondie to buy things like brassieres, high-end hobos and slippers.

I leave you with a picture I unearthed yesterday that pretty much sets the standard for "awkward" when referring to those horrible, uncomfortable, ugly years that I fondly remember as "Whiskeymarie's androgynous pre-teens."

Enjoy:

You're welcome.

Sincerely-
-The woman with not even one tiny speck of shame left formerly known as Whiskeymarie
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