Is that a cattle prod in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Last winter, my dad gave me a large box of old family photos and told me to let my two sisters know that he had boxes for them as well. This past week, my younger sister finally got hers, and we spent the better part of last night going through them on what was her last night in the US for a good, long while. We sat there on my couch, giggling and going "Ooh...look at this one!", wondering who the hell some of the people in the pictures even were, feeling sad for people we've lost, and laughing our asses off at how horrifying most of the pics were, primarily owing to the fact that we were raised in the 70's and 80's.

Yikes.

I'm holding onto her pictures for now as she is going back to India today (where she lives with her husband) and couldn't have the extra weight in her luggage. That's fine with me, as now I have hundreds more photos to sift through, pick out the doozies and post them in the discreet and private forum known as the In-ter-nets.

I'll give you a random and delicious taste of the glories to come:

This one is me (left) and my sisters, all dolled up for "International Kitty day". Our newfound love of the 3/4" barrel curling iron is apparent, as is my love of turquoise terrycloth dresses and wicked awesome lace-up white sandals. And, as you probably already noticed- our parents were avid collectors of fine art and furniture. I believe that me & my older sister are wearing pantyhose, as most 10 and 12 year-old girl children did back then:

This next one was taken at a family reunion from my Mom's (read: farmers) side of the family. If you will, please take note of the fancypants girl totally rockin' the shit out of her purple outfit front & center. If this were a traveling minstrel group, we'd call it "Lil' Whiskeymarie Purplepants and the back-40 singers". Or something like that. Whatever.
I don't remember this reunion specifically, but I do remember that at more than one of the gatherings for this side of the family that there was some serious "kissin' cousins" action going on. These reunions always involved LOTS of booze, and usually several husbands (including my Dad once) had to be left on the Farm overnight to be picked up the next day by pissed off wives. Two other incidents I specifically remember from these festive events: My great-uncle Grosspants hit on my 12 year-old sister in the pasteurization shed one year (they were dairy farmers), and one year the guy in the picture with the yellow shirt (top row, sticking out) wandered off and wasn't seen for two days. Eventually he was located at a local bar, but no one (including him) knew what had become of his two "lost days."
I can't make this crap up, trust me. It's all true:

I love this newspaper clipping of my Mom helping judge a livestock show. I can't imagine why she was there as she grew up in West Duluth without so much as a chicken or bale of hay in sight, but her Dad was a butcher, so maybe she had an "in" there. She looks so cute in her little sweater and pencil skirt. Me-ow:

This one made me snort. My dad sporting a honkey 'fro and 70's 'stache. How very Bob Ross of him. And the sweater? The sweater.
That's my little sister in his lap, wondering why one of the dudes from Boston is in her house.
I guess they were giving babies away for christmas in 1977 too:

Oh, and a here's a random picture of Kenny Rogers:

That's just a teaser, y'all. So very much more to come...

I can't wait to put these together a little more coherently and wow you with the wonder of the VonPartypants clan and their crazy fashion escapades through the 70's and 80's. I have so many stories to tell. Pride will be lost, shame sprials will be spun, and you will learn how my Mom managed to raise three marginally (humor me) dysfunctional girls over the course of two decades while holding a cigarette in her hand THE ENTIRE TIME:



Such a classy bunch, we are.

Happy Tuesday/Wednesday my little photographically-challenged moustache hairs. Happy Tuesday/Wednesday.

XO

Bless us oh, McGone*, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive...

Gah.

We did some shopping for the house this weekend and everywhere we went was packed. We had to go to IKEA, and you would have thought that they were giving away non-defective newborn babies for how crowded it was. The whole place reeked of Swedish meatballs, sweat and panic. I may have slipped on an unfortunate shopper who had been moving too slow and was trampled into goo by the credit card-wielding masses, but I was too focused on getting my Grundelhooger shelving unit and Trunsplatz garbage can to bother to look.

Here in Mpls/St. Paul, Ikea is directly next door to the Mall of America so it's TWICE THE FUN TO GO THERE, PARK THERE, AND TRY AND NOT KILL PEOPLE THERE.
Cars! Everywhere! It was pretty much pedestrian pinball just getting into the parking lot.

Oh, and that same day we had to go to a store near Rosedale, yet ANOTHER mall that was crawling with lovely, pasty, bargain-crazed Midwestern folks- kind of like Old Country Buffet on "Steak night".

The Mr. and I braved through this festering pustulance as best we could, and we even managed to not vomit at Pier 1 as Xmas music was blaring from the heavens above/the ceiling tiles as we searched in vain for an end table. We left empty-handed and humming "jingle bell rock" against our wills. We are considering experimenting with hallucinogens the next time we are forced to go shopping anywhere near a mall on the weekend. Any suggestions?

But here it is folks...the most wonderful time of the year!!!!?!?!

This song pretty much sums up how I am feeling about christmas already. Sung by my boy Bubbles, from the show Trailer Park Boys (pictured above- he loves the kitties too). If you haven't ever seen the show- you need to do so.
You can thank me later:




Better hurry! Only 45 days, 3 hours and 58 minutes until the big day!!

Woo. Hoo.

Oops, make that 57 minutes. C'mon people!!! Run!!!!

*In honor of our new lord and savior, McGone. Praise be to the keeper of the swine.

Next week I'm just posting my grocery list and calling it a day.

Random bits on a snowy Friday (and I know I was tagged eleventy billion years ago by Mojito and someone else for a "random" meme. I am lame and hopefully this will count. If not, please contact my "people" and they will arrange to have a nice underpants bouquet sent to your house)

I will arrange them in bullet form so as not to leave a mark, much like beating you with a sock full of oranges:

• I have been working 13-14 hour days this week, but I have today off, thank the almighty McGone. I used to work stretches like this no problem, but after this week I am pooped, brain-dead and limping. Seriously. Limping. I need a freaking Hoveround.
  
• I ate that egg/whole wheat pasta/chickpea combo for breakfast again today. I know this is weird, but that's the joy of being a grown up- I can eat pancakes for lunch like poobomber, or I can eat beans and pasta for breakfast. Maybe I'll eat Lik-m-Aid for Dinner.
  
• It's snowing again today. This makes me happy. It has been very warm for November, but the heat has been on at work anyways. By the end of my 13-14 hour days this week I was shiny, frizzy, and uncomfortably damp in all of my dark regions.
  
• The cats are going in for a checkup tomorrow, and when the office called to confirm their appointment the last thing she said was "And don't forget to bring in a fresh stool sample for each of them!" in a cheery voice. Um...seriously? I don't know if I am woman enough to try and catch my kitties' fresh poo and put it in a jar. I'm pretty sure that if I do this I am officially 100% pride-free. Finally! Gah, I am so grossed out right now.
  
• I always knew I walked faster than 99.9% of the rest of the population, but I realized this week that sometimes I walk really stiffly and lean forward a bit as well. I caught my reflection in a window and was horrified. God, I'm like a sweaty, clomping giraffe.
  
• I'm making cookies today. And soup. And maybe bread. And if I have time, maybe I'll forage in the woods for berries, mill my own flour, kill and prepare a duck for roasting and loom several yards of my own fabric. Just kidding- I don't have time to make bread today.
  
• I'm posting my "to do" list for the weekend here so that maybe for once I'll get it all done. I've been told that shame is a powerful motivator for some people, but I'm too lazy to look up this "shame" thing on the Wikipedia. I'll assume it involves nudity, an audience and flourescent lights, which is a perfectly fine motivator for me. To do:
  

1. Paint the dining room
2. Find homes for all of my homeless clothes. Adopt them out to hobos if necessary.
   
3. Put cat poop in a jar
4. Eat cheese
5. Paint my manky toenails
6. Order curtains
7. Refinish buffet in dining room
8. Sexually assault the Mr.
   
9. rake leaves
10. buy end table, storage unit and lamps for living room
11. Get haircut or buy Flowbee
12. Do kegels
13. Organize pantry
14. buy new slippers
15. Pluck that hair
16. Learn Spanish
17. get more fiber in my diet
18. Research fiber content of common cheeses
19. buy a frivolous article of clothing in a difficult color
20. Paint the kitchen
21. Replace kitchen floor
22. Order carpet for hall/guest bedroom
23. Install new flooring in bedroom & walk-in closet
24. Take up smoking
25. Wear high heels to make breakfast
26. Dust/sweep/vacuum
27. Laundry
28. Craig's list a bunch of crap I'm getting rid of
29. Master the art of origami
30. Take a nap
31. Take 687 photos of the cats
32. Make something interesting for dinner
33. Dislodge that thing from my ear
34. Wash windows
35. Re-enact musical numbers from Xanadu while wearing roller skates and a blonde wig

I see no reason why I can't finish this list. It'll be a snap.

Happy friday, my ambitious little list-maker heart-breakers. Happy Friday.

XO