I hear that big, hairy warts are all the rage this season.

I seem to have sprouted a "growth" of some sort on my finger.

Anyone have any ointment?
No?
How's about some salve?

The obligatory goal post.

I never, ever, ever, EVER make New Year's resolutions.
Seriously.
Never.

I mean, c'mon, aren't we just setting ourselves up for inevitable defeat, self-hatred, consolation cocktails and failure nachos by the very act of putting this stuff down on paper, thereby making it "real"?

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

But I did it this year anyways- fear of failure be damned.

I won't bore you with the details, but it is a looooong list.

31 things, to be exact.

I need to make some changes this year- I'm way overdue.

I'll spare you of the "lose a few pounds", "eat better", "save more money", "be nicer to people you hate for superficial reasons" entries (but they are there, trust me).

I thought "buy pretty shoes more often" should go on the list, but that kind of negated the "quit buying shit you don't necessarily need" entry.

I thought that "Look at the big picture instead of obsessing about the tiny bullshit" was a good one, as was "Quit constantly daydreaming about the impossible, try to focus on the here & now".
Reality is a really mean leather-bitch sometimes.

Also, I absolutely HATE having to think about money. I hate looking at a bank statement, I hate pay stubs, I hate thinking about bills. Such hatred sometimes puts me in a place where I just pretend money doesn't matter, that it just magically (meaning, the Mr. does all of our "accounting") ebbs and flows to the rhythm of of the tides. Magic elves (direct deposit) just wave a wand and, poof! there's the money. So...
"Quit treating money as if it wasn't real" made the cut.

And this is the "Me" section (other sections include personal, money and professional):

• Write something, anything, other than your blog once a week.
  
• Clean up the clutter, try harder to keep it that way (I have no less than 8 piles of crap laying around as we speak)
  
• Quit focusing on the impossible, focus on the realistic (but I refuse to give up on my plans of winning the lottery. Sometimes you just gotta dream the dream, baby.)
  
• Get a productive hobby (or two)(and no, electronic Yahtzee doesn't count)(Nor does closely inspecting and picking at things on your face for an hour a day)
  
• Get a part-time job this summer that is non-food related (books? Gardening? Prostitution?)
• Quit pissing away your free time so much (No more "Beach Patrol" on Court TV for you, little lady)
  
• Choose to be happier
• Take control of your life, rather than your life controlling you
• Be more loving with your friends- let them know they matter every chance you get

• Be the person you claim to be- be the person you wish you were- be the person you admire- be the person you respect- be the person who has too much fun- be the person who is really, truly special- be the person who makes a mark-

Dammit!

(Yeah, I know it's gross. But sometimes a girl just needs a solid kick in the behind to remind herself that she's an active participant in all of this life bullshit.)

I will be referencing the master list throughout the year to see where I'm at. I'll keep you posted. I'm hoping for a 90% success rate, but odds are it will be closer to 75%, if y'all are placing bets. You can look up my bookie, "Four-fingers Larry" if you're interested. He usually can be found hosting "squirrel fights" behind the grocery store on Baker St.
Just look for the guy with, well...four fingers.

It's not as easy to stick a cork in your nose as you'd think.

Thanks for all the New Year's wishes, my juicy little nuggets of custard-filled, batter-dipped, deep-fried chicken toes.
Hope y'all aren't too hungover today.
XO