Friday, July 27, 2012

Kick 'em in the family rules!* (Part 1 in a maybe series. Maybe not.)

I'm a woman who doesn't like to be told what to do.

Unfortunately, holding myself to this idea 100% (at times) has proven to have consequences, including (but not limited to) screaming, pouting, prosecution in other countries and flogging.  Not to go into details, but let's just say I won't be joining any knitting clubs or traveling to Denmark anytime soon and leave it at that.

So, turns out it isn't such a bad idea to hold yourself to a set of rules and regulations, much like the ones posted at the pool.  However, unlike the rules at the pool, these are ones I should/will probably actually follow.  No one is gonna tell me I need a bikini top to "cover my feedbags", dammit!

Here are a few rules/concepts resembling rules from my extensive life manual, titled "I'm OK, you're OK, they're OK.  Hey- aren't we all the same person?"  They are mine to follow, but we all could benefit from a little life guidance, right?:

#1) Never choose your undergarments for the day prior to choosing your outfit.  You never know- the situation may call for something in a different color or with more support than you originally anticipated.  Nothing is worse than being stuck, mid-day, with your "Hello Kitty" bralette peeking out from your blouse or realizing that everyone can see your sparkly black mesh stripper thong through your conservative "dress khakis".  Though, bonus points if anyone notices your latex spiked harness that you just happen to be wearing under your Sunday church outfit. 

#2) Never trust anyone with your secrets that has less to hide than you do. This one is simple enough.  Learn it- live it.  We don't want to be having to find new places to bury the bodies (AGAIN) now, do we?  Though, my tomatoes are growing like gangbusters this year!

#3) It is not necessary to tell people everything that is wrong with you within the first 20 minutes of meeting them for the first time.  You need to dole this shit out sparingly- to just throw it all at them like a monkey flings poo will only result in a shitty, shitty mess, metaphorically (and sometimes actually) speaking.  Take your time, ease them into it.  Give it at least an hour, for christ's sake. 

#4) Keep kleenex in your purse/available at ALL TIMES. NO EXCEPTIONS.  Given the fact that I've had to use (in no particular order): paper towels, mittens, shirts I was wearing at the time, tissues "rescued" from the garbage, (clean) socks (OK, not always clean, per se), towels, newspaper, and just one time- a grocery bag, this one should be obvious. 

#5) Face picking and nose picking are only acceptable in complete privacy, and no- your car does not count as "private."  I know that the situation always SEEMS dire, but please spare us all the visual of seeing someone pop a zit or pluck a stray chin hair at a red light.  Do it in the privacy of the mall restroom or your work cubicle like a normal person, weirdo.

#6) Pointing out that your squeaky shoes are making farty noises is only going to make people think that you're actually farting.  There's no real solution to this one other than to get new shoes, or just suck it up and walk proudly in your farty fart fart shoes.

#7) Look at yourself thoroughly in a mirror before leaving the house- front, back, teeth & nostrils.  Leave nothing to chance. No one wants a repeat of the "blown out butt seam unicorn underpants" incident.  Ditto the "grease stains right where your nipples are at a work meeting" incident.  As a grown-assed human, we owe it to ourselves to do this much, given the astounding amount of things that can go wrong once we walk out the door (think: bird poop/stealth boogers).

There you go- a few bits of WM wisdom to start your weekend out right.  Stay tuned for further installments.  Maybe.

Happy Friday, my inappropriate little bats in the cave.  Happy Friday.

*These are not actual rules.  I'm not the boss of you, though maybe I should be.  Yeah- I'm looking at you, Mr. Boogerfinger.


re said...

I just love you. That is all.

SkylersDad said...

About #3, if I ever get to meet you in person, the big bonus is that you already know exactly how big of a mess I am!

Dr Zibbs said...

As for number 2 I think so many people are blabbermouths. Almost everyone.

Idea #527 said...

Well now, THIS Is awkward. . . last Friday I pointed this out because it literally sounded like I was farting the ENTIRE way to the restroom and I stopped to say, Obviously I went to the bathroom, so it's just my shoes making that noise. . . :)

LegalMist said...

Rules to live by, for sure!

HoosierHerm said...

Good Rules All,..and If I ever start following said Rules, or any at all, Yours will the First I try ! P.S., having a mustache more than Doubles your chances of leaving the house with one of those Stealth Boogers ahangin' !

Mnmom said...

Good rules. My daughters LOVE to point out when they can see the pattern of my panties through my pants.

Anonymous said...

you are the most awesome woman. i hope your boyfriend knows this.