Friday, March 30, 2012

Hola monos, me parece que he perdido mi pantalón.

 So I went to Mexico a few weeks ago with the Mr, my girl Waffle & Mr. Waffle (both heirs to the Mrs. Butterworth's syrup empire).  I had no expectations for this trip, other than escaping MN and possibly playing "hide the tamale" with a Ricardo Montalban lookalike on a sunny beach while drinking (hopefully) non-roofied margaritas. 

Other than the weather being kind of a dick for the first day and a half (super windy, gray, but still fairly warm) (Our condo is the one next to the palm tree furthest to the left),:

the trip was, overall, awesome.  The first night, the restaurant we had dinner at was on a lagoon, and this guy was hanging out right under where we were sitting.  He was about 5-6 feet long and was begging for treats like a scaly, man-eating puppy:
 These guys were perched near our condo for most of the time we were there.  If I have to pick a non-human mascot for this trip, I'll just go ahead and pick "scaly, bitey thingies":

The obligatory "toes-on-the-beach" photo.  Mine were already chipped and my feet were pretty mangled, and this was day one.  Why I even try to class up the dive joint that is the wonder of Me is anyone's guess at this point.  It's like trying to put lipstick and false eyelashes on a wet cat:

Then the weather stopped being an asshole and decided to play nice.  This would be day 1 of the "What kind of messed up sunburn will Whiskey get this time?" game.  Here's a hint: my legs looked like I was wearing pink thigh-high stockings, and I had a mystery half-moon burn under one boob:

Hey!  You didn't tell me that your sexy Italian grandpa was going to be here too!:

Sorry, no pics of yours truly as every single one had other people in it and I don't have time to doctor pictures right now.  Just Imagine Sofia Vergara in a bikini with my face and you'll have it about right. On a related note- there were a bunch of clearly over-30-something gals that were still rocking the pierced belly button thingy.  Now, I may offend a few of you with this, but I have to be honest- it looks ri-diculous.  I don't care if you're totally in shape, curvy, stick thin or built like a large apple- you need to cut it out.  There are some things best left to the early 20-somethings, and along with Hello Kitty and the "69" position, this is one of them. Stop it already. 

I love, love, love vacations, but I'm usually ready to go home to this little dude when they're nearing an end: 
Also, other highlights from the trip in no particular order:  Sand in my buttcrack, drunken life-coaching a 7 year-old Mexican girl, obsessing over the many exciting varieties of Mexican snack chips, eating my weight in guacamole, many fruity cocktails, a city bus with a strobe light and Latin techno music playing, salt water turning my hair into a rastafarian nightmare, and me and Waffle successfully crashing a very swanky wedding at the adjoining Omni hotel. 



ElectricDaisy said...

"There are some things best left to the early 20-somethings, and along with Hello Kitty and the "69" position, this is one of them."

Bahahahaha. Preach! I definitely took mine out when I was 21, in recognition of the fact that I was, indeed, too old for this shit. I have kind of a cute little scar where it was, if you are the type of person that can find a scar endearing.

Scope said...

And the embarrassment of a little scar from the navel ring is nothing compared to dealing with that "tramp stamp" when you wake up one day and think "WTF"?

Not that, ummmmm, I would know or anything.

SkylersDad said...

Did you decide on the hello Kitties doing the 69 position tramp stamp while you were away?

And what the hell is with all the prehistoric looking things at the resort that want to kill you?

WendyB said...

No...NO ONE should do the belly button piercing. Regardless of age!

Katrin said...


Chris said...

Glad you didn't join a drug cartel while you were gone. Enjoy the peeling.

John D. said...

I give this vacation report a 69. Plus 50 for thinking of me south of the border. : )

Johnson said...

I feel similar it's-time-to-stop rage when I see men over age 20 who still have pierced ears. When I was in high school most guys had an earring or seven, but now when I see them I just want to rip them out.

Anonymous said...

FYI and a propos of nothing, given that you don't know me from Adam, but...I thought you might be pleased to know that I can no longer follow your blog from work. It's been blocked due to "sex". Badge of honour, perhaps?

Whiskeymarie said...

Anon- I wear that badge with pride. Since I'm already blocked for you, maybe I'll finally try to work midget donkey porn into a post, since there's nothing holding me back now.