Monday, September 27, 2010

I wonder if Martha Stewart ever uses the word "fuck" in her recipes? Hmmm...

 So, this Saturday I once again found myself in the lucky position of having dinner with some other local bloggers.  Drinks/wine were consumed, much Italian food was assaulted in a way that could probably get a girl arrested in some countries, and the conversation was such that there was nary a pause unless one of us ran out of breath or was stuffing our faces.  

During the course of the evening, I was told (read: demanded) to re-post my chocolate chip recipe, since a few of my fellow diners had tried the recipe already, and confirmed the total awesomeness of the fucking cookies to the other diners. 
Also, a big thanks to my fellow amazing, funny, smart & sassy diners: Lisa, Lesli, MNMom, Cathy, and MG for such a nice time- I will happily shove food and cocktails into my face with you all anytime. 

So, here you go- the recipe.  And remember- any alterations/substitutions/abominations and I cannot guarantee the awesomeness.  I took a long time figuring this recipe out, so if you change it in any way you will surely make little baby Jeebus cry and a unicorn will lose its wings.  Do you want that kind of guilt?  Do you?  DO YOU???

Whiskeymarie's Fucking Awesome Chocolate Chip Cookies (patent pending):
1c. softened butter (read that? It says BUTTER. Not margarine, not Shedd's spread country crock. BUTTER. Make sure it's room temp or you'll be sorry.)
1c. dark brown sugar, packed (you can use light brown, but it's not the same and I wouldn't recommend it. You won't regret using the dark- I promise.)
3/4 c. regular old white granulated sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1 Tablespoon vanilla (yes, you read that right. I tablespoon. I know it seems like a lot, but humor me. Also, try using the real stuff if you can, not the imitation. You can get it cheap at Costco. It makes a big difference.)
2 large eggs
3 c. all-purpose flour (measure this accurately. Don't "eyeball" it.)
12-oz bag MILK chocolate chips (I prefer Guylian as the chips are bigger, but Ghirardelli or any other "good" kind will do. Don't go and cheap out on the chocolate. And yes- yes I know that you want to use the semi-sweet chips for whatever reason.  Humor me, and try the milk chocolate- these cookies are totally different and not as good if you don't.)

If you have a mixer, use it (using the paddle), otherwise you can do this by hand too.
Cream together the butter, sugars, salt, soda and vanilla (if you are using a mixer, usually 2-3 minutes is fine, by hand it'll be 4-5 minutes. Yes, your arm will get tired.)
Add the eggs one at a time and incorporate thoroughly.

Add the flour and mix until everything is just incorporated (if you are using a mixer, pulse it on and off at first or you'll have a big-assed mess. Also, when using the mixer, I mix on low until the flour is sort of "halfway" combined, and then I add the chips so they don't get all smooshed up. If mixing by hand add the chips with the flour.)

Drop by heaping tablespoons onto an ungreased baking sheet, then flatten slightly with the palm of your hand.

Bake at 350 degrees until just lightly browned (they will look puffy). Let rest only about 10-15 seconds, then remove from the sheet to cool.

Eat em' up. You can also add 3/4 c. chopped nuts (when you add the chips) to this if you're into bastardizing recipes like that. Any other alterations/substitutions and I cannot guarantee the fucking awesomeness of the cookies and would prefer if you don't drag my name into it.
Just follow the damn recipe, will you?'re welcome.  You all can have cookies this week, but after my weekend of gluttony I will be once again "cleansing" my polluted system with protein shakes, vegetables, no dairy/gluten/red meat/booze/fun, and enough water to qualify my bladder as an emergency reservoir this week.  We'll see how it goes this time...

Happy Monday, my milk chocolatey little gluten nuggets.  Happy Monday.


- said...

i am so making these eventually. also, you still need to give me at least one recipe that's healthy and easy AND DELICIOUS. :D

michaelg said...

Since there is a patent pending, am I required to put a sign next to my cookies at the next office potluck identifying them as "Whiskeymarie's Fucking Awsome Chocolate Chip Cookies?" Will that earn me a trip to HR? I can only hope.

Chris said...

I have made your cookies before (twss) and they are fucking awesome. Alas, mother-in-law came to visit last weekend and brought a 55 gallon drum of her own homemades. It will be a couple of weeks before I can try your recipe again.

Anonymous said...

I've made these cookies 20 times or so and there is no way I would change the recipe.

Idea #527 said...

I can't wait to make these! Sadly, I saved this recipe to use and lost it, so I'm really excited that you posted it again! Thanks!

Also, I'm sad that I will be in St Paul the 2nd weekend of Oct for my cousin's wedding. Next time, I have time, I would love to meet you when I go up and visit H. :)

Nick said...

Not sure about the orginal question, but I'm still waiting for Martha's next book which I think should be titled: "Cooking with Conviction"

Annah said...

This sounds scrumptious. And for sure, Martha Stewart curses like a sailor.

Renaissance Woman said...

First..I am sure that Martha says it all the time. And secondly, thank you for the recipe I will be making a batch this weekend. I am so excited!

Shanster said...

Thanks Whiskey! Hey - what about high altitude? You are the pro and I will defer to your expert-fucking-advice! grin.

Anonymous said...

I do know that I have often uttered the word fuck after trying one of Martha's sloppily edited recipes where she leaves out a key ingredient. Seriously, she's worth a kajillion bajillion dollars, she can't hire someone to proof read her stuff?

Gwen said...

I wonder if Martha Stewart's best friend ever uses the word "fuck" in the comments section of Martha's blog.

Jumble Mash said...

I gave you an award!! Check it out!

Me ;) said...

who doesn't like to use the word fuck? I mean seriously, it is the word that defines our era. I think if you think about it you'll see that I am totally right.

LegalMist said...

mmmmmm.... cookies!

I'm too lazy to bake in this never-ending Arizona heat, though. Will you just send me some, please?

Grace Matthews said...

Just hopped over from Lesli's site. I love your fucking cookie recipe.

Sculptor Dude said...

I'd luv to actually hear her say 'my fucking recipe' every time that she referred to her cooking.

That would be entertaining.

Wondering Woman said...

Wasn't it Martha that came out with the Fuck a Duck recipe?

Brooke said...

this has nothing to do with your post, because Martha frightens me. BUUUUT I was just thinking about you today -

Whiskey Marie Flooring!