Wednesday, May 4, 2011

On this, the last night of my 30's. I really should be drunk. Yes, even I'm disappointed in me right now.

I'm not going to get all retrospective-y on you all, now that I'm counting down the last 6 minutes of my 30-plus-ten years before I cross the threshold into 40-land.  Nope.  Why would I waste precious time now that I need to spend any spare minutes I may have moisturizing, plucking, back-alley botoxing and hitting on barely-legal bagboys while they pack my Metamucil and Oil of Olay ever so gently next to my prune juice? 

What I am going to say is that my 30's, overall, as a whole, can suck my shapely ass.  And then they can hump a donkey, just for fun.  Humping donkeys is fun- well, that dude on the bus told me it was...that one time. 

Loved my 20's.  LOVED.  I slept around a fair amount, I could eat three cheeseburgers a day and slip into a skintight dress no problem, and I morphed from easily embarrassed and afraid to take a chance into the doesn't give a fuck, dives in head first into an empty pool girl that I am today.

My 30's?  Not so much.  Lots of good, lots of bad, mostly I just want to move on and get the real fun started.  While they weren't quite "write a novel that gets you on Oprah and she cries" bad, I can't say that I'd want to re-live a fair percentage of them.

So here is my pledge, as a (officially, now) newly-minted 4-something gal-

I, Whiskeymarie VonPartypants, do hereby vow to:
  • go skinnydipping more often
  • wear inappropriate and unseasonal clothing whenever I can
  • try to overcome my intense dislike of shellfish and bivalves
  • finally try and work hats into my "look"
  • shave more than just the bottom half of my legs on a regular basis
  • jump in more puddles
  • occasionally embrace my curly-ish hair
  • tell people to fuck off more often than I do already
  • finally wax my cooter into a smiley face
  • quit apologizing for and validating other people's issues that aren't my problem
  • stop monitoring my neighbor's masturbatory practices (KIDDING!  I'm totally still checking)
  • keep feeding the squirrels and bunnies, even though it pisses the (other, non-masturbating in public) neighbors off
  • stop feeling responsible for other people's happiness
  • Instill even more fear of "me" into my students
  • fart in public on purpose, just once
  • tell the people and animals in my life that I love them as often as I can- well, until it sort of weirds them out, anyways.
  • get my shit together, for realsies
  • And by "shit" I don't mean poo.  I wouldn't know where to put that anyways.  I mean life- you get that, right?
  • talk to random strangers even more often than I do now
  • on that note- willingly accept candy from strangers
  • quit worrying if I vacuumed today and worry more if I had fun today
  • inspect my pores MUCH more closely
  • stop pretending to care about people's kids that I really don't know or- you know, care about.
  • ignoring my politics (rabidly liberal) or lack of religion (hey- atheist here!) just because I am so very tired of hearing about other people's religion and politics and really don't want to debate this shit.  
  • get surgically sterilized- tired of hormones, don't want to spawn, and at my age they'll likely be born with tentacles anyways.  
  • take more pictures
  • crash at least 2 weddings/parties/things I wasn't invited to
  • wash my hair more often
  • continue lying to my dentist about flossing
  • Bring back me & my girl's "dare for a dollar" concept.  Any dare, no matter how extreme, was only worth a dollar.  It leveled the playing field, so to speak, and always resulted in awesomeness.
  • Savor every fucking moment, instead of waiting for the next, bigger, moment.  I'm a lucky girl with friends and family to spare, buckets of fun, and a life that is actually pretty goddamn fabulous.  Now I just need to appreciate that fact & get out to enjoy it...
Happy my birthday, my waxy, curly cooters.  Happy my Birthday.