Tuesday, September 27, 2011

It's raining, it's pouring, I'm shopping and whoring!

It's gloriously rainy and somewhat cool right now, which is making me all kinds of happy, especially after suffering through yet another "Summer living on Satan's Taint".  I'm feeling like a real, actual, lady-sort of human being, for a change. The cooler temps have caused a number of otherwise dormant traits of mine to spring to life- namely, shopping like Paris Hilton in a 24-hour cocaine and sparkly-stuff store, and cooking and stocking the pantry as if we were hunkering down for the zombie apocalypse.

Boots seem to be my drug of choice these days, having purchased both THESE (in black), as well as THESE in the last two weeks.
On a related note: I will be spending my Friday nights working that corner down by the docks to help pay for this little "problem" of mine.  I accept cash and/or fruity candies- bring a canned good for a $3 discount!

We drove up north Sunday for not one, but two food-centered family events.  In 4-1/2 hours I ate: three kinds of soup, salad, coleslaw, bread, mashed potatoes, roast duck, turkey, sweet potatoes, gravy, cake, green beans, stuffing, bread, and a small baby.  Or maybe it just felt like I ate that last one, I really can't remember due to the food coma and nearly 7 hours spent driving that insufferable stretch of I-35 now that it is clogged by construction that seems to occur every 2.5 miles and bring traffic to a screeching, grinding, scream-inducing halt.

I cleaned up pet barf three times yesterday, yet I'm currently obsessed with getting another dog.  This little nugget is the one I'm currently crushing on:


No, I don't know what's wrong with me either.  At least when I'm on the local news or "Hoarders" you can say, "Hey!  I know her!  She's batshit cookoo!  I always know this would happen!  I don't know why I'm yelling either!"

Also, I'm doing a sort-of version of this cleanse again.  Given the awe-inspiring level of my recent gluttony, I'm planning on setting aside two to three hours each day for quiet contemplation and reading of celebrity autobiographies on the terlet.  Maybe I'll even bring the teevee in there.  If anything gross happens, I promise I'll share.  I'm a real giver like that.

Now I'm off to work, the very thing that has been consuming 6+ days of the week, every week lately.  I'd like to say that I'm sitting on a big pile of cash from being so busily employed, but between the boots & the pet purchasing/hoarding...well, just refer to the above mention of my recent late-night activities. 
Oh well, like the old saying goes, "Every time you give a back-alley blowjob, an angel gets its wings."

Happy Tuesday, my fully cleansed, furry little hooker boots.  Happy Tuesday.

8 comments:

Dr. Monkey Hussein Monkerstein said...

I want to eat that little doggie.

Johnson said...

Enter the euphemism "putting wings on angels." Nice.

Scope said...

See, if you had two dogs, then when one pukes, the other will eat it for you.

John Myste said...

Whoring, you say?

Dr Zibbs said...

Oh my God! "Summer Living on Satan's taint!"

I'll be using that!

(As soon as next Summer comes of course)

SkylersDad said...

Do angels get their wings if you get a blowjob in a public toilet?

I am just asking for a friend...

And my word ver is bedgu, which kind of rocks...

Gwen said...

I just re-read the old post. Do I still get your husband if you die from the cleanse?

Brooke said...

Gosh darn dog whore